Or in the censored (TV) version: My name is Buck and I'm here to PARTAY.

Hey Goombas,

My name is Mario, and i hate every single one of you. All of you are fat, retarded, no 1-UP mushrooms who spend every second of their day being stomped. You are everything bad in the Mushroom Kingdom. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten any princess? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of players because of your own insecurities, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than jerking off to Bowser's pictures on facebook.

Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I'm pretty much perfect. I was captain in Super Mario Strikers, and starter on Super Mario Basket. What sports do you play, other than "moving targets on Super Mario Sluggers"? I also be an hero, and have a banging hot girlfriend (She just blew me; Shit was SO Oki-Doki!). You are all Lamar Smithgots who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.

Pic related: It's me and my Peach.

Hey Lamar Smithgots,

My name is Vince, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are fat, retarded, no-lifes who spend every second of their day spilling cola under carpets. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever cut it in half and dried ya dishes? I mean, I guess it's fun making things in Germany; you know they always make great stuff, but you all take it to a whole new level. This is even worse than spending $20 a month on paper towels anyway.

Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. You followin' me, camera guy? I'm pretty much perfect. I was captain of the Olympic diving team, and I use it as a towel. What sports do you play, other than "Put a wet sweater, roll it up, it dries your sweaters?" I also get straight A's, and have a banging hot girlfriend (She just absorbed me; Shit was SO cash). You are all Lamar Smithgots who should just call the number at the bottom of the screen. Thanks for listening. You'll be sayin' "Wow!" every time!

Pic Related: It's virtually dry on the bottom

Hey Deceptiqueers,
My name is Optimus Prime, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are evil, Unicron-spawned, robotic life-forms who spend every second of their day making stupid plans. You are everything bad in on our homeworld of Cybertron. Honestly, have any of your ridiculous plans for world conquest ever worked? I mean, I guess it's fun trying to steal all the Energon you can, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than that Cobra commander jerk.
Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I'm pretty much perfect. I’m leader of the Autobots, and bearer of the Matrix of Leadership. What sports do you play, other than "Transform into stupid stuff like tape players and guns"? I also turn into a truck, and have a banging hot girlfriend (She just overloaded my circuits; Slag was SO Energon). You are all pit-spawn who should just offline. Thanks for listening.
Pic Related: It's me and my bitch

Hey World Leaders,

My name is Vladimir, and I'm better than every single one of you. All of your peoples are fat, retarded, no-lifes who spend every second of their day working in the service industry and fighting wars over oil. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever worked for the KGB? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of the Russian Federation's people because of your countries' pitifully inadequate natural resources, but you all take this to a whole new level. This is even worse than terrorist activity in Chechnya.

Don't be a democracy. Just submit to the Russian bear. I'm pretty much perfect. I was President of Russia for two terms, and Prime Minister of Russia and still completely in control. What offices have you held, other than "puppet leader of 51st state of America"? I also get unanimous support from my own people, and have an averagely hot wife (She just blew me; but my mistresses are much better at that). You are all failures who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.

Pic Related: It's me and my wife