Whimsical Tales of A Pie Peddler: Pilot

Gaiz. Something happened today.

>>be me
>>delivery driver for a really awesome pizza place
>>normal day, have had a couple deliveries, nothing new
>>web order comes in, one deluxe, 10 hot wings, 2 bleu cheese dips
>>make food, la di da di
>>leave store, already know where this place is, guy is a regular
>>have to wait to cross median at intersection w/ road that has no traffic signal
>>rush hour, so lots of cars coming, I'll be here for a while
>>kind of zone out for a second
>>eyes drift upwards
>>suddenly, my brain snaps awake like it got its nuts slammed in a freezer door
>>feels that way, too
>> ******************** .jpg
>>directly across the road, there is a beautiful house that I always admire when I get to drive past it
>>a window on the second floor is extremely large, with a light opacity to it; one of the things I always thought looked really awesome/unique about this house
>>in this window, there is a man
>> *************** .jpg
>>I know for sure it is a man because I can see him so ******* clearly
>>ohmygodnowayhecan'tbe.WEBm
>>this man is WIPING HIS ASS
>>isthisreallife.gif
>>literally close my eyes because I am convinced this is the result of some hybrid hallucinogenic substance I metabolized after the NSA decided they needed to see if I was ready to handle the pressure of discreet federal bureaucracy*
>>*some paranoid delusions over-dramatized for bc I said so
>>do a double take and realize with a piercing agony that I am really seeing this
>>I furtively check the lanes, still backed up
>>eyes start to wander
>>don'tlookdon'tlookohgodno
>>can't stop myself from looking again
>>my eyes are having a tug of war between watching lanes and Sir Wipesalot
>>he is holding the tp roll in his hand; like scrubbing his Mariana Trench with pieces of dead trees is too urgent a matter to have time to reach over to the roller, he had to pull that bitch off and have it ready on the fly
>>keeps wrapping the tp around his hand in inordinate amounts before savagely ripping the long pieces off and aggressively slamming them into his apparently rekd-nasty turd dispenser