Our dear moldybutt had a massive crush on my best friend. Considering
we (he and I) did almost everything together and were effectively
brother and sister, it made things awkward and annoying whenever she
was about. She would insist on watching whatever we were watching
with us, if we were out, she' d turn up at each of our hangouts, looking
for us, and she would try to get involved with our cooking, mainly to
snag herself some free dinner because she couldn' t be bothered to cook
She tends to copy things I do, especially if it' s something that makes
my best mate laugh, or something we do together, like play Lego
Indianna Jones or something. If we go to the pub to escape her and the
other annoying housemates, she tries to snag herself an invite, and she
tries to coerce him into going places with her. It' s obvious, and
pathetic, and I feel very sorry for him.
If she ever caught the poor guy by himself, he was for it. She' d park her
fat arse on the sofa, and wriggle closer and closer until she was virtually
in his lap, and lean over slowly, with all the subtlety of a kick in the
nuts and try to snuggle. Now, he' s far too nice to say anything, he just
puts up with it.
I don' t. I once asked her what the hell she was playing at.
He' s just so kawaii! I' fancied him for ages and now I live with him,
this is my chance.'"
Gob, he' s got a girlfriend"
I know I know, but he' probably leave her soon, and I' ll be there to
As opposed to his best mate?"
Don' t be such a baka.' He won' t be able to resist me."
Please note, Gob is overweight to the point of getting out of breath
when she walks up stairs, she has a very unfortunate face, and she has
the likeability of a rabid spider, due to her constant talking and
interrupting. My best mate' s girlfriend, on the other hand, is clever,
pretty and just the sweetest thing. They' re completely in love and are
the most amazing couple.
The first time he bought his girlfriend over, the three of us hung out in
the kitchen, alternately cooking, smoking and drinking, and generally
having a good time.
Gob wandered in every five minutes or so, barging into conversations
and trying to stand between Best Mate and his girl. He and I have
learned to be as as is humanly possible when it comes to
her so she fucks off quickly, but sadly, Girlfriend hadn' t experienced
this before, and Gob was as intrusive as you can possibly get without
physically invading a body.
Best Mate made his excuses and went out of the kitchen for a time, and
Gob took her chance. I was outside having a smoke, and she thought
she was alone with Girlfriend.
Soomo how good is he in bed?"
Like does he have a big cock? Does he know how to use it?"
I can almost hear her getting turned on.
You can tell me, I' m your friend. Besides, I should know!”
We dated once you know, ages ago, and we had the most amazing sex.
We even did the reverse cowgirl." I could almost hear her winking and
leering. "He professed his undying love to me, but I am an independent
woman, and I love to be single, so I broke up with him, even though he
was totally an otaku for mel"
Poor Girlfriend sounded very awkward, so I finished my cig and
wandered back into the kitchen, just as Best Mate came back too
Oh hey buddy, I didn' t know you dated Gob before Girlfriend"
WHAT" He looks utterly shocked, and a little ill
Yeah, apparently you had a lot of sex and you were madly in love with
Gob' s gone bright red by this point and looks like she' s about to pop.
Best Mate didn' t know what to do, except grab his girlfriend and leave.
Gob didn' t speak to me for weeks after that. I should have done it more
often, it was utter bliss.