Believe it or not, this sorry excuse for a human
actually managed to bed a bloke. A real one. And,
even more shockingly, this bloke was quite a catch.
He was reasonably attractive, clever, and funny.
When she gave us the news we could hardly believe it.
We didn' t really, we thought it was another one of her
bullshit tales. But it was true. My jaw hit the floor.
And you know what? I was happy for her. She clearly
liked this guy and he seemed decent.
It didn' t last more than a month and a half.
Before they got together, this chap, (let' s call him
Jay) had just been dumped in a rather spectacular
fashion by his last girlfriend. I don' t know the details
but I think it was something along the lines of he
found her in his bed with another guy (they didn' t
live together) and she dumped him and carried on
banging the other.
Anyway, he came to visit Gob, because they' d
apparently known each other a while and,
understandably, he wanted to get away from his uni
for a few days.
Nothing happened that weekend, but they started
dating a few days after he went back. It was a
reasonably long distance thing, for students anyway.
She was texting him constantly, and would phone
him every evening and be on the phone for a
minimum of two hours. The only time he got a break
was when she was on the phone to her crazy mother.
Seeing as though he was at a pretty competative
place, he was working all the time. So answering
constant texts and messages from Gob couldn' t have
been easy, but I guess it took his mind off things. Pm
only speculating here, I don' t know for sure at this
point. But she talked about him all the goddamned
time. Jay thinks this and Jay thinks that and Jay
says Pm really good at dirty talk and I'
masturbated to him (And Pm going to have to stop
there, that was really hard to write and yes, she
honestly said that.) She was proud of that last fact, as
before she claimed that she' d never touched herself
before as she "didn' t see the point".
She went to visit him a couple of weeks later though,
for a few days. It was bliss in the house, so quiet and
tranquil. I could have a conversation without some
shitstain on the underwear of life butting in and
talking, talking, TALKING.
She came back and told us all about it. No details
were spared. I suffered.
So shall you.
So we were gonna go to this cinema and see a film
because he knows I like films, but we both got really
horny. I got all shy and stuff but he was really hot for
me, I guess it was because I kept touching his *giggle*
boner. And like he took off my top like really slowly
and undid his zipper and like apparently Pm really
good at giving blowjobs y’ know *Exit Best Mate, Stage
Right* and then he fingered me and it hurt a bit but it
was totally good, I was really wet right, and we had
like proper sex right there on his bed. I didn' t come
but he did. Then like I tried to get him to finger me
again but I think he was asleep so I used his hand
That' s as much as I can stomach.
I could hear my Best Mate laughing like a donkey
upstairs, and I felt rather unwell, but I did the whole
congratulations, you got laid, now stop talking
about it" thing. She looked well chuffed with herself
and again, I was pleased for her. Until the one of my
other housemates came home and she went to relate
the story to him and I had to hear it again.
Like I said before, the relationship didn' t last.
According to Jay himself, she really, really
embarrassed him when she went to visit. It' s a well-
area filled with people who value social
etiquette, manners etc. He' s got a lot of friends of a
higher social class, as is he himself. Seeing as Gob is
common as muck with as much social awareness as a
blind poodle with poor bladder control, she straight
up humiliated him.
Funnily enough, he never invited her back.
He dumped her over the phone a few weeks later,
after he "came to his senses" (his words). She was
distracting him from his work continuously, and he
although he supposedly actually liked her, she was
just too unpleasant to be around. And she never shut