tldr bible

sewallman

The Entire Bible Explained In [,
Facebook Post. This Guy Nails It.
Ems . no
Holy Bible: the TL; DR version (too long; didnt read}
GENESIS
God: All right, you two, dent do the one thing. Other than that, have fun.
Adam & Eve: Okay.
Satan: You Should do the thing.
Adam & Eve: Okay.
God: What happened i‘?
Adam at Eve: We did the thing.
God: Guys..
THE REST OF THE om TESTAMENT
God: You are my people, and you should not do the things.
People: We wont do the things.
God: Good.
People: We did the things.
THE
Jesus: I am the Son of God, and even though you have done the things, the
Father and I still love you and want you to live), Don‘: do the things anymore.
Healed people: Okay! Thank you!
Other people: We' never seen him do the things, out he probably does
the things when no one is looking.
Jesus: I have never done the things,
Other people: We' re going to put you on trial for doing the things.
Pilate: Did you do the things?
Jesus: No.
Pilate: He didnt do the things.
Other people: Kill him anyway.
Pilate: okay.
Jesus: Goya...
PAUL' S LETTERS
People: We did the things.
Paul: Jesus still loves you, and you love Him, you have to stop
doing the things.
People: okay.
LETTERS PART II
People: We did the things again.
REVELATION
John: When Jesus comet back, there will he no more people who do the
things. In the meantime, stop doing the things.
THE END
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to and 7 others like this.
hat still was tmr, dude.
6 hrs , Like q no 1
Tenure...
5 mine - Like
I Write 3 comment...

...

+667

Views:	29911
Favorited:	112
Submitted:	11/22/2014

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#1 - nyawgga (11/22/2014) [-]

tl;dr

+54

#2 to #1 - sketchyz (11/23/2014) [-]

-11

#30 - anon (11/23/2014) [-]

I despise god.

#78 to #30 - aphoticnefelibata (11/23/2014) [-]

To put that much vehement emotions into a thought like that, suggests that you possibly believe in the existence of God, but He doesn't follow your rules (whether it be showing signs of Himself, explaining why He let the world go to ***** though that is explained-, or what's the point of all this...) and with all that misplaced passion, your "unanswered" questions and confusion turned into ire.
I could go on, but you probably wouldn't care lqtm
Needless to say, you'll be in my prayers~
Have a pulchritudinous day~!

#81 to #30 - munchyman (11/23/2014) [-]

#98 to #30 - dorfdorfdorf (11/23/2014) [-]

#37 to #30 - thearcher (11/23/2014) [-]

I'm sure he despises you too

#48 to #30 - mapleknight (11/23/2014) [-]

you dropped this a few contents back.

+26

#33 to #30 - proughboy (11/23/2014) [-]

+71

#3 - sketchyz (11/23/2014) [-]

A bit too simple, I still think you guys should read the actual thing.

I am ready for your rage, no thumbs will harm me

#55 to #3 - greedtheavaricious (11/23/2014) [-]

Listen to this guy.

I'm not christian, but it's quite interesting.

Also, pretty ******* hardcore.

#74 to #3 - anon (11/23/2014) [-]

If you think the Bible is boring, look at these...
BBILE HIGHLIGHTS!!
The creation of the earth! The first murder! The drowning of millions! The suffering of Egyptians through plagues! The best escape since The Great Escape! The parting of the Red Sea! The death of Moses and Joshua's rise to power! The battles of the Jews as they literally destroyed almost every city in Mesopotamia! The battle between a 12-year-old kid and a 10-foot man-beast! The cycle that where for 500 years Jews were captured and then freed themselves! The prophesying of the coming of Jesus! The birth of Jesus! The story of when Jesus' parents forgot the son of God for three days straight at a praying convention, only to return to find Jesus preaching to the preachers! The preachings and miracles of Jesus! The time Romans captured Jesus and tortured him to death! The time Jesus came back from the dead! The stoning of Stephen!
And finally,..
The story of how all hell will break loose and kill nearly everyone!

-3

#24 to #3 - createdjustnow (11/23/2014) [-]

why would you get rage? people that are religious will want to read it for religion, and atheists should read it because it's actually a pretty well written book that can be taken as fiction

#4 to #3 - sewallman [OP](11/23/2014) [-]

You won't get my rage. I've read the bible multiple times even though I'm a non-neckbeard atheist. I grew up in a very religious house hold, so I've read a couple bibles in my day.

#21 to #3 - themongoose (11/23/2014) [-]

Read the thing. Though simplified, this is a very good summary.

#32 to #21 - jamiemsm ONLINE (11/23/2014) [-]

i dont know if i read it as read or read.

start of your comment i mean

#121 to #32 - themongoose (11/25/2014) [-]

I meant past tense. I already read it through. I also read it just about every day, though.

So...see pic.

#88 to #32 - sketchyz (11/23/2014) [-]

#15 to #3 - anon (11/23/2014) [-]

I'll agree with that 100% because anyone who doesn't read it don't know what they're talking about!

#6 to #3 - anon (11/23/2014) [-]

Why would you get rage? I mean you can't understand a lot of older (or in some cases even more recent) english literature without a rudimentary knowledge of the bible. Even as an atheist I highly recommend people read the bible so they can properly understand common literary allegory.

#51 to #3 - stoptakingnames (11/23/2014) [-]

even if you aren't religious the stories still have teachings on how to be a decent human being dedicated to making the better for others and the world

#82 to #3 - sketchyz (11/23/2014) [-]

I'm pleasantly surprised at the relatively positive reaction I've received to this.

#35 to #3 - sanbonzakura (11/23/2014) [-]

why should we read it if most christians wont read it? i dont know alot about religion so im sorry if i put the wrong one in

#45 to #35 - anon (11/23/2014) [-]

Because it's an interesting read regardless of whether or not you're going to set your beliefs by it. Personally I read it just to be understand other people, but it wasn't a particularly horrendous read. At the very worse it comes off as an interesting fantasy story I guess, if that makes you feel better.

#118 to #45 - KazumaKyu (11/24/2014) [-]

An interesting fantasy read if you don't mind boring characters and an absolute lack of any overarching plotline.

#90 to #35 - psykobear (11/23/2014) [-]

"most"

#87 to #35 - sketchyz (11/23/2014) [-]

That's a regrettable fact that I wish I could change. Far too many Christians have a sit-and-be-fed attitude.

#84 to #35 - anonymoose (11/23/2014) [-]

It's an interesting book to read.

+21

#22 - justaredshirt (11/23/2014) [-]

The Bible: The Short, Short Version:

1. God loves you.
2. You've sinned.
3. Believe in Jesus.
4. Confess your sins, and if your sorry, he'll forgive your sins.
5. Don't sin.
6. If you sin, please return to step 4.
7. God still loves you.

-2

#41 to #22 - anon (11/23/2014) [-]

1. Do whatever you want, God will forgive you. He created you, so why woud he punish you for acting on your instincts?

-2

#28 to #22 - anon (11/23/2014) [-]

4) You have to atone. Can't just ask for forgiveness.

#65 to #28 - anon (11/23/2014) [-]

Christians aren't Jews. Jesus' death on the cross was the ultimate sacrifice, and it atoned for all of our sins. Step 3 thus covers atonement.

#25 to #22 - okamiterasu (11/23/2014) [-]

STILL TOO LONG

1. God: love me or **** you

#29 to #25 - zyketor (11/23/2014) [-]

STILL TOO LONG

1. God: **** you

-3

#56 to #29 - anon (11/23/2014) [-]

STILL TOO LONG

1. No God.

#86 to #56 - aphoticnefelibata (11/23/2014) [-]

+31

#20 - daxelin (11/23/2014) [-]

Do the thing.

-1

#39 to #20 - barsaka (11/23/2014) [-]

This has never been more relevant.

#47 to #20 - manofbeardliness (11/23/2014) [-]

I don't get it?

#26 - radiohazard (11/23/2014) [-]

#23 - lastkage (11/23/2014) [-]

Personally I like /b/'s version better

#97 to #23 - dorfdorfdorf (11/23/2014) [-]

when did paul talk about sex, though?

#58 to #23 - elcreepo (11/23/2014) [-]

He forgot to add the part where John takes some pills and declares the whole world over when Jesus 2: revenge of god comes out

#36 - quotes ONLINE (11/23/2014) [-]

actually was reading part of the bible and theres a part with the pharoh
FIRST god makes the pharoh stuborn so he doesnt let him go just so god can show off like god literally says i wont let him let you go so i can punish them and show my power

SECOND
moses goes if you dont let us go (list of bad things) let us go or god will do these things
the next day god did the thing
like it says god did the thing and i have never laughed so hard at nothing before that moment

#52 to #36 - mapleknight (11/23/2014) [-]

Actually, God hardens the Pharoah's heart in order to strengthen his free will. He knew the Pharoah wanted to do something, but would change his mind. Not because it was a better choice, but because he was intimidated by God.
God, not wanting to rule through intimidation, hardened his heart to allow him to make a choice.

#80 to #52 - synthane (11/23/2014) [-]

So... God didn't want to change Pharoah's actions through intimidation so he forced the Pharoah to do things the original way?

#92 to #80 - mapleknight (11/23/2014) [-]

He gave Pharoah the ability to choose. He steeled his will, basically.

#99 to #92 - synthane (11/23/2014) [-]

But didn't He already know that Pharoah would change his mind if He didn't further intervene, and that by steeling Pharoah's will He basically determined that Pharoah would follow his initial plan?

Not trying to come across as rude or anything. Just curious, as this type of thing in the Bible has always been something I've wondered about.

#101 to #99 - mapleknight (11/23/2014) [-]

Honestly, I've wondered at that too, and I have no idea.

#103 to #101 - synthane (11/23/2014) [-]

I see. Ah, well. Thanks in any case. At least I'm not the only confused one.

#104 to #103 - mapleknight (11/23/2014) [-]

Of course.
Also, I'm Christian, so if you have any other questions, feel free.

#120 to #104 - quotes ONLINE (11/24/2014) [-]

but it says things along the line as the lord made pharoh stubborn
depending on the version (which there seems hundreds)
wording is a bit different but the idea is the pharoh may have givin in much sooner given other circumstances
which means the troubles and death caused to the people of egypt seem unnecessary but besides god showing his force which again depending on the version u read is stated as him saying that he does this to show people his power
probably to give people a reason to believe him when he says something

(a threat isnt much a threat if you havnt shown to be threatening before)

#117 to #104 - ninjaroo (11/24/2014) [-]

I have a question that's pretty related to this thread.

How do you reconcile Gods omniscience with free will, given he must have known the exact outcome of each and every action he's ever committed, including those to do with humans?

#119 to #117 - quotes ONLINE (11/24/2014) [-]

it actually seems clear god doesnt know the future
i am not religious as i said i am just now reading it mostly for quotes and cus its good to know what people argue about

god seems to apoint people (book of samuel apoints a man as king) and is disappointed when the man fails

then again he goes and says your family will do this in so many hundred years AND it happens

so he knows the general idea but there are many times he seems to not have known

SO
to answer your question
in my oppinion free will is constantly trying to go against gods ability to see all imagine it as a small fight between the two
god sees all but free will trys to not be seen

#27 - wthree (11/23/2014) [-]

This single mom on facebook read the bible.

What she did next was genius...

#8 - theluppijackal (11/23/2014) [-]

Actually Jesus didn't really say he didn't do it
More like 'ask the people who say I did the thing if I did the thing'

#13 to #8 - anon (11/23/2014) [-]

He inspired the author of the Letter to the Hebrews to write, 'For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.' Hebrews 4:15

#17 - anon (11/23/2014) [-]

To all the atheist and agnostics: www.ucg.org/booklet/lifes-ultimate-question-does-god-exist/

-1

#18 to #17 - anon (11/23/2014) [-]

Why the thumb down, it is a great booklet!

#94 to #18 - funnyrage (11/23/2014) [-]

samefag.

#38 to #17 - ohgodmysides (11/23/2014) [-]

A collection of bad or non-arguments. What's so special about this book?
It doesn't even solve its own title story, only proclaims a precast opinion.

#40 - zilvox (11/23/2014) [-]

Varrick: Julie! Do the thing!

God: Guys....

#89 - alphagex (11/23/2014) [-]

Yeah but the bible has like message and what not, that just the storyline..I mean the bible you suppose to loo the message it says the meaning behind each words not the storyline/plotine

#43 - djponee (11/23/2014) [-]

Don't be a dick, Use your common ******* sense and be good to those around you, and to yourself as well.

#46 - rzrback (11/23/2014) [-]

#10 - anon (11/23/2014) [-]

It's worded funny, but let's face it; if god was real this would all be his fault because he made us imperfect to begin with, so why "allow us" to be punished for it?

-1

#12 to #10 - anon (11/23/2014) [-]

God is real, just look at how the universe works to support life on earth! He didn't make us imperfect, He just gave us free will because He wanted children, not automatons! Because the serpent beguiled Eve and Adam fell for the bait and we humans have been falling for the bait ever since, we became unperfect! We are to be punished to teach us to live better lives!

#16 to #12 - orkanoidz ONLINE (11/23/2014) [-]

By condeming the generations past adam and eve including those raised without even knowing of "god" with no fault to their own. Don't get me started on the whole; you failed to learn from your mistakes, into the pits of eternal damnation because **** you. The very latter means he doesn't care; it means if we fail he no longer loves us as this is eternal damnation. Making this god one hell of an asshat: you know, let's just let the asshole "satan" run around and keep deluding my children so I can choose who to burn and who to pick to live in my world we everything is predetermined in a plan for your existence. Totally not slaves; totally autonomic; the only way to pass is to follow HIS plan.

Or we can choose to believe god is not an asshat, most of the absolutes of the bible are constrewed iterations; and that god created everything and let us make the best of it while greeting us in open arms in our troubles.

Not sure why I ranted at an anon. I really just hate the deep fundamentals of how people who believe the bible heart and soul can't use the amassed reasoning power to see the flaws in the way some of the things are stated into direct contradiction.

#19 to #16 - anon (11/23/2014) [-]

www.ucg.org/booklet/gods-holy-day-plan-promise-hope-all-mankind/eighth-day-eternal-life-offered-all/

#53 to #10 - mapleknight (11/23/2014) [-]

"because he made us imperfect to begin with,"
It's almost as if you know what the bible says.

#31 to #10 - skittlesinexcess (11/23/2014) [-]

Why would God give us free will? That ticks me off.

#69 to #31 - anon (11/23/2014) [-]

You would rather be a robot, with basically no life, and no reason to truly live? Free will is a gift, it's humans that abuse this gift. God forgives us even though this happens. It is not as though God condemned us by giving us free will. It is easy to get to heaven and be close to God, if that is what you truly want. If you don't want to believe in God, then why does it even matter whether or not a "so-called-God" gave humans free will?

#76 to #69 - skittlesinexcess (11/23/2014) [-]

I was being sarcastic you twat.

#42 to #31 - rakogoki (11/23/2014) [-]

couldnt god make us with free will but also incapable of doing "evil" things? for example the thought of rape or murder just never comes to mind to anyone, they still have their free will and dont murder/rape.

#70 to #42 - anon (11/23/2014) [-]

That wouldn't be truly free will. Free will, for all intents and purposes, means the capability of making any and all possible decisions. This includes the negative/evil ones.

#75 to #70 - rakogoki (11/23/2014) [-]

sure you would be able to make any decision you want, you would just forget the "evil" ones much faster than you would the "good" ones. we already forget numbers faster than words, just saying.

#44 to #42 - skittlesinexcess (11/23/2014) [-]

No, freedom is about being able to do bad things. Not rape or murder in particular but stuff like sexual promiscuity, alcoholism, self destructive depression, being rude, getting angry, being greedy, minor assault, obesity and others. What you want is dictatorship and if you actually thought about it you'd realize that. Freewill is a blessing we abused. That's not God's fault whether you believe in one or not.

#49 to #44 - rakogoki (11/23/2014) [-]

sure, you could be able to do any and all of those things, but i said it could simply never come to mind. you can stab someone, but you would be incapable of remembering the thought after it is conceived and never follow through with it. no free will is being threatened here, otherwise that is saying god infringed our free will by making us capable of forgetting things normally like we do now.
as for dictatorship, doesnt the being threatening to torture you forever if you dont obey a vague set of rules and standards you are incapable of fulfilling sound more like a psychopathic dictator to you?

#54 to #49 - skittlesinexcess (11/23/2014) [-]

How is mind control not dictator ship?
Believe it or not, making someone want or not want to do something is control, it's brain washing. We're not God's little puppets.

#60 to #54 - rakogoki (11/23/2014) [-]

also im not sure what good this conversation is doing, we have no way of determining what god even is let alone if it exists. for all the both of us know god really is a mind controlling dictator who only made us to be his puppets so all these hypotheticals are meaningless.
and no, the bible wont help you.

#62 to #60 - skittlesinexcess (11/23/2014) [-]

If that's true the god that rules the world is really weird. He made hundreds of different religions and none of them worship him. That god is cracked out man.

#66 to #62 - rakogoki (11/23/2014) [-]

if one religion were to be true, that means a god allowed millions if not billions of people to be swayed by other religions, which is also weird dont you think?

#67 to #66 - skittlesinexcess (11/23/2014) [-]

He let's us do what we want to.

#68 to #67 - rakogoki (11/23/2014) [-]

and punishes us infinitely for not doing what he wants, when we have no way of truly knowing what it wants or if it even exists. sounds bout right.

#77 to #68 - skittlesinexcess (11/23/2014) [-]

He's got a very hands off approach.

#79 to #77 - rakogoki (11/23/2014) [-]

but then commands us to follow very specific rules or else suffer forever.

#85 to #79 - skittlesinexcess (11/23/2014) [-]

Natural consequence, I guess. I didn't make the rules, I just call um' as I see um'.

#93 to #85 - rakogoki (11/23/2014) [-]

let me put this into analogy; a guy walks into an ally only to be held up by a man with a gun. the mugger says "give me your money, or you will be shot. it is entirely your choice, and if you choose wrong it your fault, not mine." the man refuses to comply and is shot to death.
who is to blame for the man's death? the mugger for shooting him or the man for failing to choose correctly knowing full well the consequence?

#95 to #93 - skittlesinexcess (11/23/2014) [-]

That's not a very good analogy. You flipped between to extremes. "Why does God allow us to do evil", then, "why does God punish us when we do evil?" We do have a conscience you know. I really think we should stop now, we're not accomplishing anything.

#100 to #95 - rakogoki (11/23/2014) [-]

well the thing is, it doesnt really matter why a god supposedly allows us to do evil, either way the bigger issue is what a god is willing to do about it. punishment should be equal to the crime, the whole idea of hell or heaven is infinitely unjust by nature, so theres that problem as well. no matter which direction you take, there will always be some contradiction or problem because theres no way of knowing the exact nature of the the subject at hand. so youre right, its best not to discuss the hypothetical with no basis because we could just say whatever we want about god and be equally correct.

#102 to #100 - skittlesinexcess (11/23/2014) [-]

Do you know anything about the Christian religion? If I killed four hundred people, said I was sorry and meant it, I'd go to jail but I'd still get into heaven. That's a really lenient system if you ask me.

#105 to #102 - rakogoki (11/23/2014) [-]

that sounds like a horrible system. even if you were to go to hell instead to suffer forever, that would be equally appalling. either way is infinitely unjust.
i prefer to argue about god/s in general instead of specific religion's ideas of god/s. its way less messier and everything will inevitably boil down to it anyway. whats the point of arguing about what a god likes and doesnt like when it hasnt been demonstrated to even exist yet?

#106 to #105 - skittlesinexcess (11/23/2014) [-]

I don't know, you keep talking so I keep replying.

#107 to #106 - rakogoki (11/23/2014) [-]

wanna talk about something else?

#57 to #54 - rakogoki (11/23/2014) [-]

hypothetically so, the fact that god did make us where we do forget things occasionally is also mind control according you. im only advocating that certain things be forgotten easier than others, like how we already forget long sequences of numbers easier than long sentences. if god made us, he made us with these properties, slightly changing them is no more mind control than god making us how we already are today is mind control.

#108 to #57 - skittlesinexcess (11/23/2014) [-]

We ran out of space.

#109 to #108 - rakogoki (11/23/2014) [-]

i do apologize for going a bit off track, going from why god allows evil to what he does about evil i caught myself soon after posting.
with that said im not sure we could convince each other of anything without going anywhere else. how is either of us suppose to know what a god/s did, if it did anything at all?

#110 to #109 - skittlesinexcess (11/23/2014) [-]

IDK, at the end of the day the only thing you can trust is your own judgement... unless you're insane or biased... okay, you can't trust anything ever.

#111 to #110 - rakogoki (11/23/2014) [-]

i prefer trust in evidence instead of ones own judgement alone.

#112 to #111 - skittlesinexcess (11/23/2014) [-]

Most evidence relies on the fact the the world isn't just a part of your imagination or that the fundamentals of the universe work as we assume they do.
You can mostly trust it but it is possible it's incorrect.

#113 to #112 - rakogoki (11/24/2014) [-]

the thing is, we kinda have to assume natural laws will always work and that reality exists by necessity for science to even begin to work. if you dont, well thats fine but anything you do will hold no meaning at all. anyone advocating a better way to investigate phenomena than science, they would have to demonstrate it however that too would require scientific methods to validate.
in essence, if you want to get things done use science, because science works.

#64 to #57 - skittlesinexcess (11/23/2014) [-]

I way our memory works now doesn't encourage us to not do specific things. I'm just saying, assuming the Abramic God is real, he's really doesn't want to tell us what to do, only suggest what to do.

-4

#34 - hadtomakeanewname (11/23/2014) [-]

Didn't cover new testament, 0/10

#96 to #34 - dorfdorfdorf (11/23/2014) [-]

looks like someones never heard of the new testament before

-1

#114 to #96 - hadtomakeanewname (11/24/2014) [-]

That doesn't even make sense as a reply to my comment. lmao

#115 to #114 - dorfdorfdorf (11/24/2014) [-]

ill rephrase it

it looks like you havent heard of the new testament before

because the content talked about 26 out of the 27 new testament books

so

it covered the new testament