Out of context dnd quotes. Any fun quotes or anecdotes from your games?. ananymous sir emitted to Best Friends Adventure Player #1: , so we mend his fingerprint
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Out of context dnd quotes

Any fun quotes or anecdotes from your games?

ananymous sir emitted to
Best Friends Adventure
Player #1: , so we mend his fingerprints. Does anybody have anything that
he' s touched recently so we can verify they' re his?
Player #2: 'Presents breasts"
sir emitted to
Do I take any damage from
punching the cactus?"
ananymous sir emitted to
Just because you only see one ninja, deosn' t meant that there 'is'' only one
ninja!"
Party Member prior to being jumped by Six Ninjas
Get me out of these restraints,
I need to kill children!"
PC assassin
sir emitted to
GM - "They are not shambling with friendly intent."
The GM on the crowd of newly risen zombies.
ananymous sir emitted to
Stop using your math to know things!
We Dwarve' s den' t even have livers we just piss wine and sell it to the elves!"
Dwarf Druid of the Party
sir emitted to
Can I put him in my
inventory?"
Barbarian trying to solve the problem Ma Cleric that can' t climb a wall.
sir emitted to
Yeah there' s rte way youre getting out of this
without being en fire. "
to Party
materna sir emitted to
Sorcerer: I burn his pants
Seeker: Can we loot them first?
Please do, the entire campaign hinges on whats in his pants.
princible to
Remember kids, when trying to seduce
Zombies a natural 1 and a natural are are the
exact same thing."
My very patient , whe taught us a whale let during our first campaign
beckthebird sir emitted to
Youre either going to accept that you just pulled greatsword Maire wt of
its ass, or yeu' re going to get nothing but the troll **** on your arm."
sir emitted to ente mend
Cannibalism?
Fireguard Oracle - 'Tm pretty sure that stew is made of peoplee
Wood Elf Ranger - *shrugs* "Not my peoplee
sir emitted to
To the Barbarian putting Clerics in his
inventory:
That' s how we got around the limit on Teleport, by stuffing a
couple party members and companion animals into a Bag of Holding.
It only takes one round to Teleport, and there' s ten minutes of air in the Bag
of Holding.
...

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User avatar #51 - wesselite (04/03/2014) [+] (5 replies)
stickied by doktorschnabel
#39 - evebishop (04/03/2014) [+] (10 replies)
>Playing DnD with a bunch of jokers   
>I'm playing a half dragon cleric (Super Lawful Good)   
>Stay behind to heal party ranger who stepped on a trap   
>rest of the party moves to the next few rooms   
>party members find the big boss of the campaign    
>They beat him just barely   
>I come running in seeing an almost dead stranger in the corner bleeding out   
>alignment and character quirk means I have to heal anyone in need   
>run up and use my best heal spell on the enemy boss, restore him to full health   
>he puts me to sleep and then kills the rest of the party   
>I wake up, evil guy tells me the rest of the party sacrificed themselves to save us   
>roll to detect lie....natural 1   
>fall in love with evil boss and live happily ever after....
>Playing DnD with a bunch of jokers
>I'm playing a half dragon cleric (Super Lawful Good)
>Stay behind to heal party ranger who stepped on a trap
>rest of the party moves to the next few rooms
>party members find the big boss of the campaign
>They beat him just barely
>I come running in seeing an almost dead stranger in the corner bleeding out
>alignment and character quirk means I have to heal anyone in need
>run up and use my best heal spell on the enemy boss, restore him to full health
>he puts me to sleep and then kills the rest of the party
>I wake up, evil guy tells me the rest of the party sacrificed themselves to save us
>roll to detect lie....natural 1
>fall in love with evil boss and live happily ever after....


User avatar #8 - tyrson (04/02/2014) [+] (7 replies)
"I'm Tee-fah... I'm from the fuuu-tuuure. I'm squishy like wet goat's bladder."
- Barbarian, impersonating my time-travelling gunslinger.

"I burn it."
"You burn what?"
"All of it. I'm a pyromancer and I"m scared of heights. I'm not going up into the elven treehouse without a fight."
"There's a whole forest here, and no water for miles."
"Not my problem."
- Me and my DM, in a moment I'm not proud of.
#42 - anonymous (04/03/2014) [+] (13 replies)
No d&D thread is complete without the legend of edgardo being told.
MANLY FIST THAT PIERCE THE HEAVENS!
#21 - guldknight ONLINE (04/03/2014) [+] (3 replies)
Why not
User avatar #1 - halotalim (04/02/2014) [+] (2 replies)
Wow, these were great.
User avatar #45 - devorezz (04/03/2014) [-]
I have a story.

Upon defeating the dragon guardian of a dungeon:
Dwarven Cleric: "I'd like to search for the dragon's stash of gold."
DM: "This dragon doesn't have any gold."
Dwarven Cleric: "Then I search for the dragon's welfare check."
User avatar #67 - ratytang (04/03/2014) [+] (39 replies)
what DnD game is this from, or is the the actual role play thingy nerds do?
#71 to #67 - dndxplain (04/03/2014) [-]
I can confirm that you do roleplay in roleplay games.
#93 - ragingflamingos (04/03/2014) [+] (1 reply)
This is what happened to my brother the last time DnD was played.   
   
>Party enters an abandoned house   
>Bro decides to go explore bathroom   
>Sees some papers lying on the floor by the toilet   
>Rolls to pick up the paper   
>Natural One   
>Arm goes in the toilet   
>Rolls to get arm out of toilet   
>Natural One   
>Accidentally sticks other arm in the toilet   
>Rolls to use the sink to clean himself up   
>Natural One   
>Slips on some water and collapses onto the toilet getting 						****					 all over himself   
>Says 						****					 it and attempts to pick up the loot again   
>Natural One   
>Toilet time part 4   
>Finally gives up and leaves the bathroom utterly dejected and covered in 						****					   
>Our faces when
This is what happened to my brother the last time DnD was played.

>Party enters an abandoned house
>Bro decides to go explore bathroom
>Sees some papers lying on the floor by the toilet
>Rolls to pick up the paper
>Natural One
>Arm goes in the toilet
>Rolls to get arm out of toilet
>Natural One
>Accidentally sticks other arm in the toilet
>Rolls to use the sink to clean himself up
>Natural One
>Slips on some water and collapses onto the toilet getting **** all over himself
>Says **** it and attempts to pick up the loot again
>Natural One
>Toilet time part 4
>Finally gives up and leaves the bathroom utterly dejected and covered in ****
>Our faces when
User avatar #6 - dndxplain (04/02/2014) [+] (4 replies)
There's many things here I can comment on. First things first:
Stop using your math to know things - DM
This is a humorous but saddening problem. as a game master, I too know that your campaign can and will crumble if you haven't put enough effort into it and players start asking the right questions.

In pathfinder specifically, a Psion can ruin a campaign based on a few racial abilities and spells, such as turn undead.

The Dwarf druid's comment refers to three things: Dwarves are known to be hail and hardy men of stone - sometimes literally. they are also known to be drunks. Furthermore, dwarves and elves generally have a not-so-friendly relationship. Depending on the setting, this can be a violent, angry relationship, or that of frenemies.

The Barbarian's question is quite humorous, and wholey possilble, if you have a GM that likes rule of cool. A bag of holding is a device that allows you to shove nearly any size of things into it, though some do still have limits. think of this as a hammer-space in physical form. The idea of putting party members into such things is not new, but still humorous.

The DM speaking of not letting them out without fire is an example of a poor DM.

The pants DM seems like a pretty swell guy.

Zombies DM: He's referencing that seducing a zombie (a critical success being a natural 20, always working) is just as bad at failing at seducing a zombie. Seducing a hungry dead thing is not a good idea.

Cannibalism - Whitty.

There are many exploits that open up once you bend the rules. The barbarian stuffing party member into his inventory allows the entire party to teleport, as they now all count as one entity.
User avatar #11 - hiukuss (04/02/2014) [+] (6 replies)
My first time playing Pathfinder was awesome. My party and I was being harassed by Wisps/Fels/Faeries (whatever the little ***** are called) but we didn't know what was happening. One night, I was to stand guard at the cave we were resting at, and I took a drink from my waterskin. The DM (my brother) said "You start choking on sand, and throw up. You dump your waterskin out, and a pile of sand forms on the ground." then after I got all the sand out of my mouth, I took another drink of my (now empty) waterskin. It was full of rum/wine, and I got piss drunk. I blacked out, and when I woke up all of our gear was stolen. We found it in a tree later.

******* love Pathfinder. For my first kill, I cut a bandit leader in half. Rolled a d20, then another d20. The game was hectic, so much bad **** happened. **** giant centipedes. I'll post more about it if anyone wants to hear.
User avatar #130 - lolollo (04/03/2014) [+] (2 replies)
One of my friends chose to be an "illusionist(?)"

This was one of his better moments.

I: "I roll to cast fireball on the goblins."
*rolls a 17*
DM: "You hit, roll for damage."
*rolls a 3*
DM: "It slightly tickles him."
I: "......I cast illusion to make the last roll I did appear to be a 20..."
Person A: "What?"
Person B: "...what?"
DM: "......I'll allow this..."
*rolls a ******* 20*
DM: "Your spell is successful, I'm now inclined to tell you that the goblins face explodes as the fireball you cast connects with it..."
Person B: "Wait...now...the Goblin is for real dead, or pretend fake dead...or what?"
Person A: "Of course he's ******* dead, he rolled a 20!"
#66 - goll (04/03/2014) [-]
Quest Giver: ...and in addition to paying you for your services i will pay for your drinks this evening.   
human fighter: (finishes his tenth tankard of ale) Thats good because i don't have any money!
Quest Giver: ...and in addition to paying you for your services i will pay for your drinks this evening.
human fighter: (finishes his tenth tankard of ale) Thats good because i don't have any money!
#224 - Drfish (04/03/2014) [+] (1 reply)
>playing a monk named Borrus who happens to be russian.   
>charisma of 6, pretty ugly    
>get hit with amorous spell in dungeon and roll natural 1   
>grab halfling rogue of same gender and proceed to attempt sweet sweet love making   
>party rescues and dispels effects   
>mfw everyone calls me the soviet love hammer for rest of campaign
>playing a monk named Borrus who happens to be russian.
>charisma of 6, pretty ugly
>get hit with amorous spell in dungeon and roll natural 1
>grab halfling rogue of same gender and proceed to attempt sweet sweet love making
>party rescues and dispels effects
>mfw everyone calls me the soviet love hammer for rest of campaign
#54 - reaperboy (04/03/2014) [-]
DM- torches line the walls of the hall
Bard-can we put them out
Dm- no
paladin- can we take them
Dm- sure
bard- are they hot
Dm- no they are cold fire
archer(me)- i light myself on fire
now my character has a 10 foot luminary range and anything i interact with has a 25% chance of lighting on fire.
side note. in need of a flame retardant cloak
#46 - shameonapony (04/03/2014) [-]
Human fighter: "I want to jump."   
GM: "The hall is too narrow, if you jump the pit you'll land on the elf (Being pulled out of the pit)"   
Human: "So... I can't jump?"   
GM: "Well... You can."   
Everybody: "DON'T 						*******					 DO IT."   
Human: "I'm gonna jump."   
   
MFW he almost killed the elf and myself (The one pulling the elf out of the pit), and actually fell and died in the process.
Human fighter: "I want to jump."
GM: "The hall is too narrow, if you jump the pit you'll land on the elf (Being pulled out of the pit)"
Human: "So... I can't jump?"
GM: "Well... You can."
Everybody: "DON'T ******* DO IT."
Human: "I'm gonna jump."

MFW he almost killed the elf and myself (The one pulling the elf out of the pit), and actually fell and died in the process.
#24 - Jesusnipples (04/03/2014) [-]
I don't even play DnD but I love these so much
I don't even play DnD but I love these so much
#3 - youborn (04/02/2014) [+] (1 reply)
**youborn rolled image** What my class is
User avatar #110 - Bion (04/03/2014) [+] (2 replies)
DM: "I'm the bartender Candleclack, do you have any questions?"
Me: "Excuse me, Candlejack?"

After I get numerous looks from the rest of the group...

DM: Bion is whisked away into the sky.
+8
#18 - gameofpwned has deleted their comment [-]
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