One of my favorite DnD stories

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Never played DnD before, these stories make it real tempting though.

It' s been years since We played , but anyway, the first time I ever played any form of RPG/ Tabletop was in -
Pplaying a monk
Paarty is made up of several bizarre characters
Twighlight being a Polar was enchanted to lactate pure alcohol, while being immune to it' s effects
character is at some point infected by a poison which brings on total insanity at random intervals, and unvarying severity
Anywho,
Chalking through forest. our group is looking for a treasure of some kind
Agroup finds a box being sold by a roadside beggar. among underthings
matches description map container
buy it, and immediately start arguing whithered open the box ohwait until we can get a professional to open it (Apparently, the box was cursed)
passes me a note
Roll for Insanity."
**** ."
3: 233 93543
underlie table, only GM and I looking
Unatural one
GGM starts caughing hysterically
******* , jpg
At this point, the group is wondering what is happening - The GM is midway between laughing and fretting, and neither of us is sure what will happen.
GGM asks me to roll a DE. with each number representing a different state
Murderous Rage"
starts attacking one ofthe other party members , beating the absolute christ out of him and him
WHAT THE **** ANON"
39 3578
Because I rolled a on e, the GM simply says "Look, you - Roll the DE again-"
jpg
the LE again
scour
Suicidal Psychosis"
attacks most powerful of attacks, GM asks me to roll for severity ofthe attack
uses Flurry of Fists orwhatever it is. directly in his own crotch
Drolls 3
AARE YOU ******* ) LNG ME
In the space of about thirty seconds, my party went from talking to a beggar, to having the monk cave the rogue' s face in, and then kill
himself by punching himself in the dick so hard, he died of shock.
meerly& L) characterised of / lick Critical Groin Trauma

...

+358

Views:	20337
Favorited:	48
Submitted:	02/20/2015

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+41

#10 - nocakeforthetroll (02/20/2015) [-]

It's not really dnd but its still my favorite

#11 to #10 - metalheadtildeath (02/20/2015) [-]

a ******* RIDE AND A HALF every time

#25 to #10 - stimtheone (02/21/2015) [-]

What happens when a serious TG'er faces a thousand autistic babies...

#27 to #10 - ztron (02/21/2015) [-]

Doesn't sound too believable but it still was a pretty cool story.

#42 to #27 - tyrson (02/21/2015) [-]

my fiance' plays a game with similar poorly fleshed-out mechanics and debatable balance. They don't even have stats; it's literally left up to the players to decide if they could logistically dodge an attack or spell. So dumb.

#45 to #42 - ztron (02/21/2015) [-]

So its basically make up your own rules Forum dnd? I can picture the situation going on as a story but I have no clue how it goes down in-game.

#46 to #45 - tyrson (02/21/2015) [-]

You log "RP" posts as proof that you're actually doing something, and when you've acquired the necessary pages/chapters of logs you are allowed to take a poorly worded skillcard. Then, when you're fighting someone, you can click the skillcard so that it displays what kind of perk or benefit you have.
The downside is that these RP based systems often just list the description of the ability, rather than the mechanics. "A ball of fire flies from your hand and erupts into a massive conflagration of flames and smoke" ... 'K, so, how much damage does it do? Oh, we don't actually have hit-points? So, am I roughly 1/4 dead, 1/2 dead, or 3/4 dead after eating a fireball to the face? How big is the explosion? Am I on fire afterward, or is it an instantaneous thing, one-and-done? Does the smoke obscure vision? If so, for how long?
Yeah, every table-top gamer's worst nightmare.
It would work fine if everyone were reasonable adults with realistic characters. But everyone she plays with wants to be goddamn Naruto or some **** , so they dodge explosions, power through attacks, or call swings from great-axes "glancing wounds" because playing realistically gets their character killed.
Basically, everyone gives themself plot armor. It's terrible, and she's always complaining about it, but she's been an addict for about 2 years now.

#23 to #10 - silvanyis (02/21/2015) [-]

My God that was beautiful.

#43 to #10 - tyrson (02/21/2015) [-]

Glorious.
Picture: relevant to the ending of the story

+10

#26 to #10 - curveball (02/21/2015) [-]

I like this one; it's funny and it shows two different players using their class strengths perfectly.

#39 to #26 - tyrson (02/21/2015) [-]

Excellent story, thank you.

+15

#13 to #10 - LOLWUTS ONLINE (02/20/2015) [-]

Ahw yes, the Mutha ****** Ballad of Edgardo. Ive read this about 2000 times now. If you're wondering "oh **** should I read this novel of a post?" then the answer is ******************* .

#15 to #13 - demandsgayversion (02/20/2015) [-]

note to self: read this maybe

#41 to #15 - tyrson (02/21/2015) [-]

It's pretty good.

+35

#2 - zombieplayground (02/20/2015) [-]

This **** happens more often than you would think.

#4 to #2 - Mr Unsmiley (02/20/2015) [-]

hair n tiddies

+21

#24 - anayna (02/21/2015) [-]

Okay okay, I got one.

>GMing a game
>party is up in a mountain cave killing giants
>they've slaughtered like 20 ogres so far
>finally they meet up with the leader of the giant clan
>huge ass stone giant
>huge ass stone giant with levels as necromancer
>party doesn't give a **** , they're still high on the rush of killing this guy's mooks
>party barbarian runs straight up to giant, greatsword first
>takes a crit to the ass immediately as someone starts shooting arrows at him
>turns out necromancer has an ally
>ice zombie guy who necromancer enchanted to fly is shooting frost arrows at them
>barbarian is screwed
>nobody in party can reach flying ice zombie
>and necromancer giant is still a giant so he deals huge damage with his club
>no other melee guy in the party so pretty soon the barbie is at single digit HP
>if they could just take out one of these guys
>suddenly party druid speaks, player is kind of a weird dude
>half of the time I'm not sure if he's even following the game
>"How high up is this guy?"
>"Some 40 ft."
>"I summon an orca!"
>silence
>"The **** is Free Willy supposed to do here? You're up in the mountains."
>whatever
>druid starts summoning
>"Where do you want to place the whale?"
>player looks at me like I'm an idiot
>"45 ft. up in the air."
>wat
> *********** killer whale suddenly materializes above the ice zombie
>and gravity does its thing
>party manages to turn the fight round and win the day

******* druids, man. I swear...

#54 to #24 - Alchemyst (02/23/2015) [-]

#38 to #24 - tyrson (02/21/2015) [-]

They're tier 1 for a reason.
Also, for a similar tactic in another game system, see post 34
I think my favorite summon is when the druid/wizard/summoner decide to conjure positive energy elementals. They deal tons of damage against undead, and can heal the team just by stepping through their squares.

I did a dungeon once where the boss had sealed his soul within a metal orb (like a lich's phylactery). The orb was encased in a pillar of ice, though he was an ice spirit and wasn't bothered by this. I gave him some spell like abilities, which included animate dead (there was a room full of chain devils next door) and a cone of cold effect that repaired damage done to the ice column while damaging anyone in that direction. The idea was that the ice had a certain amount of HP, which the boss could "regenerate" by casing cone of cold in that direction, but he couldn't affect the whole pillar at once (the cone shaped spell originated from teh center, so only 1/6 [#hexgridsbestgrids] of the cone was healed at a time). We ended up with the 2 rogues killing chain devils as they were respawned (sneak attacks FTW) while the fighter and paladin chipped away at the ice column, while periodically getting blasted for a few dice of damage. The fight devolved into the following.
1- Goblin rogue attacks chain devil
2- Halfling rogue attacks chain devil
3-Boss casts cone of cold, healing self for about 10 or 12 damage, and KO'ing the fighter
4-Paladin (or eventually the wand-wielding halfling rogue) heals the fighter.
5-Fighter stands and makes 1 attack, before getting knocked unconscious next round.
6-REPEAT

They went through this cycle about 5 times before finally dealing enough damage to the ice in one square to reach the middle and sunder the metal orb. Best boss fight I'd ever done, though not the best the players had enjoyed.

#35 to #24 - DoktorHax (02/21/2015) [-]

"Oh! Whats this big thing rushing up to meet me? I wonder if it will be my friend!" WHUMP.

I hope a pot of petunias also randomly materialized next to the orca.

-6

#8 - theshinypen (02/20/2015) [-]

If a dnd stories second sentence is polar bear that lactates alcohol its a waste of my time.

+16

#12 to #8 - redtheninja (02/20/2015) [-]

You must be fun at parties.

#14 to #12 - pootismang (02/20/2015) [-]

He plays DnD and doesn't like it when people have fun doing it. He's not going to parties.

#17 to #14 - sptnfouroneseven (02/21/2015) [-]

There's a fine line between fun and literal autism.

#18 to #17 - pootismang (02/21/2015) [-]

You would think so, but as an autism, I can confirm that there is not.

#19 to #18 - sptnfouroneseven (02/21/2015) [-]

No. No there is. When the group is just ripping off anime characters(Personality and everything) and pretty much ignoring the main story, it's autism.

#20 to #19 - pootismang (02/21/2015) [-]

That... that is not the kind of autism I was thinking. You've got me there.

#21 to #20 - sptnfouroneseven (02/21/2015) [-]

Yeah... Part of the reason I left that group. The other was because half the group would break character just to help their irl friends out.

#28 to #21 - thefates (02/21/2015) [-]

Did not-Naruto ever become not-Hokage?

#48 to #28 - sptnfouroneseven (02/21/2015) [-]

No but Kamina did make Team Die Gurren.

+11

#1 - miia ONLINE (02/20/2015) [-]

#29 - obviousxplains (02/21/2015) [-]

>DM decided to give us mounts
>Presented us with a unicorn, pegasus, normal horse, and a rhino
>everyone wanted the unicorn
>dragonborn goes up but the unicorn shys away
>dm tells him he has to get the mount to trust him first.
>turn passes to paladin
>paladin walks up
>>undoes pants
>>>sticks ass in unicorns face
>DM "what are you doing?"
>paladin "thats how animals gain eachother's trust right?"
> "dogs maybe but thats a horse"
> "oh"
> "with a horn"
>paladin stuck there, his ass waving in front of the unicorns face. DM makes him roll to move away slowly so as not to provoke unicorn
>fails
>unicorn shoves his horn up paladin's ass hole.
>shreds rectum

dnd is the best

#30 to #29 - tyrson (02/21/2015) [-]

In some old school manuals, it explicitly stated that only elves and virgin girls could take the unicorn as a mount. Back when D&D was sexist as **** .

#47 to #30 - iamkagji ONLINE (02/21/2015) [-]

Correction, it was back before DnD had been co opted by SJW assholes like you

#50 to #47 - tyrson (02/22/2015) [-]

How in the world did you come to the conclusion that I was a SJW?
Have you read some of the old manuals? They're dumb as **** . Some of the completely unnecessary rules included renaming your class at every level or two, having way more information about monsters than you'll ever need, and restrictions for physical stats based on the sex of your character?
Unnecessary, useless ******** .

#51 to #50 - iamkagji ONLINE (02/22/2015) [-]

>and restrictions for physical stats based on the sex of your character
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_dimorphism

That would be the SJW ******** I was talking about. Unless you're just ignorant, which is fine. I, for one, loved all the information about the monsters, and so does everyone else I've talked to about it. It adds a lot more life to the world and a lot more flavor to the game. Sometimes as you progress your title changes see military ranks for one of the most obvious examples , so in a lot of cases changing the name of your class is very reasonable, if a bit complicated.

The old manuals were perfectly fine, I just personally don't like the system mechanics as much as dnd 3.5. Not everything new is better. 4e and 5e are all the proof you need of that not that 5e is bad, but 4e is awful

#52 to #51 - tyrson (02/22/2015) [-]

I'm a 3.5/PF fan myself, though I'm interested in trying out 5th.
I am aware that dimorphism is a thing, but if we're going to include it why not make it balanced for all players? Any design choice that shoehorns characters into a certain character choice without a reasonable trade-off is typically a bad design choice. Arcanum, one of my favorite games ever, gives women a Str mod of -1, and a Con mod of +1. It could be argued that perhaps Beauty or Charisma should have gotten the bonus, but Arcanum included a "background" option that modified your base template, and the choices were different for men and women. It was a better, fairer way to represent the same concept, and I never had a problem with it.
On the other hand, when you say "men and women are effectively identical except male characters can possess higher strength" then you're not interested in making the game work better and instead are just enforcing needless rules. Perhaps they should have given the female characters a Charisma bonus or something, but I don't believe they did. (I'm AFB right now, and google searches are pulling up only conversations on the subject, rather than showing me what the rules were).
Making orcs stronger is a reasonable decision, but comes with making them less intelligent as well. For some reason race and feat choices were (arguably) balanced, but your choice in gender wasn't, and that's just strange.

#55 to #52 - iamkagji ONLINE (02/24/2015) [-]

That is a simple fact, though. Men and women are equal in every way, except men can possess higher strength. Their muscle density and hormones make it so, it is a biological fact for humans. Saying otherwise is just ******* dumb. It may not be "fair" which is something that SJW constantly bitch about in the face of facts and science, by the way, kinda like you're doing now , but it's accurate and that is the part that's important. Needless rules my ass, some people want some accuracy when they're playing a race that actually exists in reality. If you don't like it then fine, use a homebrew rule, but don't bitch about the rule being "unfair" or wax eloquent about how it needs to be changed also something SJWs do

#57 to #55 - tyrson (02/25/2015) [-]

It's just strange that they picked one aspect of the real world (men tend to be stronger than women) to emulate, while ignoring so many others (people need to pee, people need to bathe, women menstruate, etc.). If you're playing D&D as a reality emulator, then you're doing it wrong. If you're playing it as a game where all the characters are balanced and roughly equally valid choices, then rules that hamper half the character concepts with no return or boost to balance it out are bad rules for the nature of the game.

#58 to #57 - iamkagji ONLINE (02/26/2015) [-]

Needing to dispose of waste, bathing and menstruation? None of those affect stats. At all. In an RPG, I find that balance means nothing if you can't keep the numbers in line with the fluff, and not all fluff needs crunch to emulate it in-game.

#59 to #58 - tyrson (02/27/2015) [-]

Why wouldn't bathing (or the lack thereof) affect social interaction? Why doesn't menstruation make women sick or nauseated?
I wouldn't mind the Str cap if they'd given women more Dex or something, but using a single, isolated rule like that is just bad game design.
Not every aspect of the real world needs to be represented in the game. We pick and choose the features that matter and that make the game work in a balanced way, and it feels like they didn't make some good decisions in that regard.

#53 to #52 - tyrson (02/22/2015) [-]

To be clear, I'm not arguing that the rule wasn't necessarily realistic, but rather that it was poorly thought out, unnecessary, and unbalanced. Bad for the game, like THAC0 rules.

#56 to #53 - iamkagji ONLINE (02/24/2015) [-]

yes, THAC0 was awful

#31 to #30 - obviousxplains (02/21/2015) [-]

good thing i ended up with it then i was an elf

#32 to #29 - leal (02/21/2015) [-]

y not pegasus it can fly

#33 to #32 - azumeow (02/21/2015) [-]

Seriously, Pegasus is the **** yo.

#5 - Awesomenessniss (02/20/2015) [-]

#3 - splendiddust (02/20/2015) [-]

playing as barbarian minotaur.
Open treasure chest after big battle.
Everyones arguing over how to split the gems up.
While everyones arguing i just swallow them all.
Gonna be fun ******** those out.

#49 to #3 - theshinypen (02/21/2015) [-]

Why

#6 - possiblydominator (02/20/2015) [-]

If he was a monk he should have been rolling d8's

#44 to #6 - ninjaroo ONLINE (02/21/2015) [-]

Only if he was large.

#7 to #6 - fillytickler (02/20/2015) [-]

NEEERRDDDD!

#34 - tyrson (02/21/2015) [-]

Playing Sion (bad game system, don't do it) with some first timers and my cousin, who was a first time DM. In Scion, you play as demigods, with special powers depending on your divine parent (sky powers for Zeus, water powers for Poseidon, fire powers for Loki, etc.)
New girl, hardly paying attention, has water powers, including the ability to manipulate up to about 20 cubic yards of water. Obviously, this was intended to mean that she could manipulate water as long as it didn't exceed the dimensions of 20 blocks, each 1 cubic yard (or possibly a box 20 yards by 20 yards, many of the spells seemed to differ in the descriptions).
A little infighting broke out, and she tried to drown me with the water, which is explicitly stated as to not have offensive usefulness. She can't hold me underwater, or imprison me in a bubble, simply move a standing block of water around me.
Cousin DM, who was a little annoyed at me, explained that she didn't need to keep the water in cubic yard blocks, but rather that the total volume couldn't exceed 20 cubic yards. WTF? This meant that she could stretch 1 cubic yard out into a 1-inch tube or strand, and hang the other 19 cubes off the end of it, which is dumb. Again, it's not a wall or anything, and she can't hold it unsupported in midair, but she can move all the water into the sky and let it drop down on to things (letting gravity supply her offensive power, rather than doing it herself). Obvious metagame ******** , but I rolled with it because I'd just dodged 2 rounds of attacks from the rest of the party, and figured that letting them bend the rules a little wouldn't be a bad thing.
So we go a few rounds, with me leaping about 70 yards away every turn, and her trying to pursue while "shooting" me with gigantic blocks of water I have to swim or fall through. It's more annoying than anything, but the fighting eventually stopped and we moved on with the night.
Little did the DM know what a dangerous precedent he'd set. We then began the regular destruction of enemy aircraft via water blocks, ie by sending a 1-inch or 1/4 inch stream of water up into the air, before having it balloon out into a 18 or 19 cubic foot waterfall. Aircraft engines are not designed to fly though solid water, so one of our characters, for the expendiature of about 1/16 of her mana pool, could shoot down 1 airplane per round for as long as she remained in contact with a body of water.

#badDMdecisions

#37 - azumeow (02/21/2015) [-]

First ******* session of DnD
I am Dragonborn Paladin, my party includes a Tiefling Warlock and some others who don't matter.

Campaign starts with the group waking up in a cage, shackled and chained together, with none of our gear. We'd been captured by slavers, and put in the cage with two other NPC's, a half-orc and another dragonborn.

Me and the warlock (both of us having the highest charisma scores) decide to try to persuade the guards to let us out. I don't get **** . He convinces them to let him write a letter to get a ransom, and that I was his friend (so they'd let us both out.)

The second we get out, he Eldritch blasts the guards. So I lightning breath the ******* . This was in the first ten-fifteen minutes of the campaign. We were promptly beaten into unconsciousness and tied up even more.

Later, the same tiefling warlock sets the carriage we were in on fire and terrifies the guards (and half the PC team) into believing it was a dragon attack, and my character tries to save the dragonborn NPC inside. I call to the guards to give me the keys, but the nearest guard is drunk off his ass, so he gives me lockpicks.

A paladin. He gave the paladin lockpicks. Before I can even try to just bash open the cage door, the dude ******* explodes.

It's been months and I still get annoyed when I think of my DM giving me ******* lockpicks.

My party has some fun stories.

#22 - rhetoricalfunny (02/21/2015) [-]

Does anyone have the story where a guy (I think an elf) is trying to save his friend, and ends up having to sacrifice his friendship.

I think it had to do with like a sword that required a sacrifice which was worth more than the previous sacrifice to drop, or pick up or something like that