They always have a big box of condoms at the front desk in medical anyway, but when you're underway you look for any excuse to find a way to have a little extra fun.
We found someone else to man that station after that. This chick was a special kind of useless. She on one occasion tried to order us to do something by saying that she was the "senior E-4!" ...In my rating, E-4 is an automatic promotion, so we were all E-4, and she had no positional authority. For us, being the most senior E-4 means you haven't been able to pass the test to get promoted. In other words, she highlighted her own stupidity. We also later found out that gunfire scares her, which is a problem, when your job involves working on a gun. A BIG gun. This gun: youtu.be/Pt6TbAZGgYw?t=34s
Females didn't serve on US Navy ships until the 70's. My ship was built before then, so it's not designed with me in mind at all. Without going into super specifics, at least 5 of the spaces I need to access every day are only accessible by going through a male berthing (sleeping area) or bathroom. That means I spend a LOT of time walking around by myself in areas where men are getting dressed, showering, pissing, etc. None of the males ever harassed me, but it's inevitable that, well, accidents happen. The door to one space is literally between a row of 6 shower stalls. Another is up a ladder well from the ******** . Ever made awkward eye contact with someone when they're actively pooping? I have.
Because I had to walk through male berthings and bathrooms all the time I just got used to it. Everyone pretty much has the same cleaning station every day so I got to know the guys who cleaned the bathroom outside my space, and would often ******** with them because it's a rather out of the way space and no chiefs ever checked up on them to see if they were cleaning. Well, they got a new master chief, and it turned out he was the kind of guy who enjoyed patrolling his spaces during cleaning stations. He didn't know about me. He was pretty mad when he found his people not cleaning during cleaning stations and even less happy when he walked far enough into the bathroom to see me, a random female chatting up his guys in the bathroom. A bathroom that's through not just one, but two separate male sleeping areas.
I can't say I blame him. Less than 50 of the 5000 people on the ship have ever seen the inside of that space, so he might not have realized that it really is just my equipment room. Maybe he thought I had some sex swings set up in the tool (puns, lol) room? I don't know. He looked behind, on top of, and under everything that could conceivable fit a person. It took him a good few minutes to believe that I really wasn't up to anything devious. Sexually devious anyway. It wasn't an underground sex ring so much as a gambling ring, but that's beside the point.
OK so some explaining is needed. My berthing was for some reason prone to fires. "Wait, what?" you might ask...I know that sounds odd to non-Navy folks, but the truth is that ships catch fire a lot. We're all trained in fire fighting in boot camp, so it's rarely a big deal, but I digress. Anyway our berthing had already caught fire twice, so I guess this chick felt like it was less important for her to evacuate without looking good first. "Who was she trying to impress?" I hear you asking. Well, when we evacuate from that berthing we have to go to the hangar bay. The hangar bay has people working in it 24/7, and since we were deployed, that means a bunch of dudes who haven't gotten laid since last port call. Unless you plan a "holy **** the berthing is on fire" outfit ahead of time, that means you end up getting oogled in whatever clothes are at hand (probably a pair of overalls and flip flops)... and well, who gives a **** if the ship is burning, she was gonna look GOOD for all the guys in the hangar bay! You go girl? Remember kids, medical has your back. Use a condom.
How do you even respond to an admiral giving you the hang loose sign? Do you hang loose him back? I don't know, we all sort of stood there awkwardly at attention while he and the captain passed by. Him being such a happy person made so much more sense once we found out about his booze locker.
This one wasn't me, it was a guy in my division who cranked in the chiefs mess for three months. According to my friend, that particular chief's diet consisted almost entirely of cookies and ice cream, and would throw absolute **** fits if they didn't have the right kind of cookies readily available throughout the day.
I heard from my friend in the chiefs mess about this one, and could only assume he saw me with my Sriracha, but it could have been someone else with Sriracha. We will never know. For some reason this chief thought that the enlisted mess normally kept gourmet hot sauces stocked instead of the standard Tabasco and random expired Navy brand hot sauce. I guess that pissed him off enough to bitch about it for a few months.
Anyone who has spent time in the military knows that when it's cleaning stations, if no one is supervising you, you're ******* right the hell off. I was a practiced napper during cleaning stations, so it's a miracle I was even awake when he walked in, let alone actually cleaning. I received an endless amount of **** from my division for this one.
Original comp found on imgur, brought here to the still good still bored people of FunnyJunk.
