The Motherfucking Flash
Now, I don' t know how many of you dogs of the scurviest sea read comics, but I do a big pile
of comics. One thing that blows my mind is how completely insane the powers in the DC
universe are. Look at Superman. This guy has more powers than French restaurants have
ways to say "your taste in wine is atrocious". He has powers to do with every part of his body
and then some. He forgets powers sometimes. He can shoot heat rays out of his eyes, frost
breath from his mouth and red son radiation from his ass. He' s that sort of crazy dude. All
because he absorbs solar radiation.
Look at Batman. His power? The . Sure, he should be some tame, kung m master
of not much, but instead he' s the hottest shit to ever shit on a plate. You got a power? He' ll find
your weakness and give you seizures or heart attacks. He' ll light you on fire when you' re
sleeping or make you recharge your Green Lantern ring in the power outlet. Ten thousand
volts of fuck you batman. That' s Batman.
But the fucking Flash, my god, my fucking GOD, this man has the greatest powers of all. If
Superman' s powers are being sucked off by twin super models and Batman' s coming home to
discover your wife is not only bisexual but has two friends she wants you to 'get in on' then
the Flash is an orgy with a thousand women who also want to pay your World of Warcraft
billing. And click the mouse for you. This man is just that fucking hot. They have to power
him down in the comics half the time just to keep him from doing everyone else' s job.
Okay first off, he can travel at light speed. Mother fuck! Not only does he travel at light speed,
but time slows down for him. So he feels like he' s having a casual jog or reading the paper,
meanwhile, his feet are moving so fast you can hear him coming from Montana while he' s
already gotten to Arizona. That' s fucking fast. But wait! The ability to move at Light Speed
just isn' t fucking enough!
I know! Christ this guy can punch you so many times in a second you' been hit five times in
the cock and two times everywhere else. You thinkyou' re about to fight the Flash and then it
hits you, for the last split second he' s beaned your beanbags with more blows than you had
sperm. But no, there' s more!
The Flash can also vibrate through walls. Now last I heard, you can not move so fast you can
vibrate through walls, so what actually happens is the Flash is so fast he can pick and choose
the movement of his individual molecules and move them through other solid objects,
phasing through solid matter like it ain' t no thing. I mean you think a guy who runs at light
speed would run into shit but no, the Flash just goes right through them, To top that with a
cherry and some whipped cream (which the Flash made in like a millisecond, fucker) he can
selectively choose to cause objects to be "okay" afterwards or fucking EXPLODE. That' s right.
He can run through you and make you blow up by transferring kinetic energy into you. Like
Jesus. It' s bad enough you can' t hit this guy, but he doesn' t even have to punch you. Now your
testicles have exploded and you' re thinking you' re about to hit him. Jesus? Just give it up. He' s
the fucking Flash.
Now imagine that somehow there' s someone who can get around the Flash blowing your balls
up secret ninja . Okay. He can also control the flow of energy between objects. This
power makes no sense but basically he can throw a rock at you, and you think it' s going slow
and then he' s like WIZARDLY FLASH POWERS and bam it' s going at light
speed. So he can throw seven million rocks at you in a second then make them all goes
different speeds thus striking your nads with seven million rocks one after the other.
But wait! There' s more! He can also take energy from the very power of speed and make
clothes out of it. Yes. Flash makes his pants out of GOES FAST. The man is so fast he can
make Flash pants that GOES FAST goes right into. I don' t even start to understand the
physics of that but basically SPEED REALLY TIGHT UNDERWEAR AND COOL
LIGHTNING THINGIES OVER THE EAR. You would think this is the end of it but okay let' s
say Flash is fighting Superman and shit he' s going to lose and fuck how is Superman THIS
fucking strong? I don' t know he must be Superman fused with Batman into some sort of guy
with tons of plans on how to punch you far harder than anyone else okay to end it off the
Flash can GO BACK OR FORWARD IN TIME ON COMMAND.
How do you beat this dude? You' re thinking you' re hashing him good, laying down the
brakedown, missing your balls and suddenly BAM YOUR MOM FELL DOWN THE STAIRS
AGO and there' s a dent in your forehead and Superman not thunk so god
no more. Actually she didn' t fall down the stairs the Flash put speed into them so they fell up
her! fuck you Flash! You moved the stairs to Soviet fucking Russia! RUSHIA! Bitch.
Oh, and lastly his greatest power is he isn' t fast in bed. He takes it slow and gets all the ladies
with his superpowers then actually satisfies them in the sack. Who the Hell is this guy? You' d
think he could AT LEAST be a premature ejaculator since his penis is moving at light speed
but he' s even good in bed.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Wolverine sucks cock and should go die in a freak