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Lots of stuff. I don't say it lightly, but I don't say it for some reasons people may be thinking. I'm not looking for much except the opportunity to vent some

I don't say it lightly, but I don't say it for some reasons people may be thinking.

I'm not looking for much except the opportunity to vent some of my frustration into the world.

I have not had a soft, kind life. It hasn't been an unending nightmare, but it has caused me considerable effort to remain even slightly functional.
I can do incredible things.

But I'm hardly so conceited that I believe that I'm the only one who has had a hard life, and can do magic. Fact is, I would not be where I am without the aid of people I don't even know. The person who built the house I'm in, the laptop I'm working on, the company I'm going through training for...
So I don't mean to come off as presumptuous.

But if I do, I don't care.
Anyway, drop a line. Talk about something. Talk about yourself; my life is ******* borin'. I want to see what people are up to.

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Submitted:	01/08/2015

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#23 - ZetsuYang (01/09/2015) [-]

It all started back when I was in middle school. I noticed people didn't give a rats ass about me so I decided to become the person to make others smile and not care about my own emotions. This went on for 11 years me being used by people getting hurt time and time again and I kept it going thinking that some day all my helping of others would have someone care about me. After this one girl who I've known since 9th grade which ,by this point was 9 years ago, wanted me to take her virginity since well I was her best friend. So when I went back into town to visit my folks for a late Christmas I did, at that point I was 20 she was 17 so legal. I was there for her through everything and I can honestly say she was the one person who made me happy we still text on a daily basis even though Im half way across the country. We were not officially going on might we might as well have after that having a long distance relationship. Then it came time for her senior prom and she wanted to go with one of her guy friends so me being the kind understanding person I am was fine with it as long as she was still mine by the end of the night. She said, I promise I wont fall for him or anything I'll stay yours. The next morning found out they were officially dating. So as to not she her smile fade I did what comes 2nd nature to me I hid my feels and congratulated her. Every fight they had I was the one who would stay up listening to her. When she had a nervous break down from having to work and deal with 14 college credits I gave her the pep talk she needed when he was unavailable. So when they broke up after a few days I decided to tell her I loved her and she rejected me not wanting a romantic relationship with me that was a week ago, but as I said I don't want to let others smiles fade so I kept moving on even though that is killing me every day, then today I find out she is now friends with benefits with the guy who dumped her and I feel like anything I say would be selfish Part 2?

#24 to #23 - ZetsuYang (01/10/2015) [-]

So delving into deeper details. Since Im only allotted 2000 characters a post. She knows how much ive done for her and even wanted to be there for me. The moment I start letting out all the emotions ive held back and suppressed for years out she suddenly shuts down and feels horrible for not noticing sooner and didn't know what to do. So instead of having her become depressed over me I went back to just trying to help her with her issues and she noticed and wanted me to be real with her again instead of lying to her about my emotions. So I did and all it did was make her not want to hear about it before her big mall date. So i actually got frustrated since she was the one who wanted me to not hold back and when I do finally talk about me she didnt want to hear it and sees nothing wrong with what she did. Now I've decided to stop helping people cause if no one wants to help me. Even one of the 2 people who Ive known longer than anyone else why should I help others and my emotions are starting to cannibalize and turn me from someone who wanted to see everyone smile to someone who just wants to see others suffer. I spend the time Im not here on FJ or at work in my dark room staring into space not sleeping just feeling kinda dead. I have more stories of how ive helped and been stabbed in the back but not learning my lesson.

#25 to #24 - ZetsuYang (01/10/2015) [-]

I have to say FJ through all the **** I've dealt with in my life I can honestly say that this place is always the place I can go to feel a small amount better. Sure there are times when 1 type of post in particular takes over the site but FJ always returns to what it was. I left for a while when the rage comics over took FJ and there was nothing but rage comics for every post but I came back after a while and I have to say this site is probably the only thing keeping me from putting a bullet through my skull

#27 to #25 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/10/2015) [-]

Eek. I missed these two posts of yours.

But reading that last line... don't take that route, boss. Suicide is an option, but you can rise above it. It's a permanent solution to what may be a temporary problem.

#29 to #27 - ZetsuYang (01/10/2015) [-]

Honestly after Robin williams committed suicide I realized how depressed I actually was cause I kinda was going down the same road, trying to find happiness through others smiles and then I saw how much of an empty happiness it is, ive given so much I dont even know where to being at being happy again, I had a happy childhood but I dont remember much of it, I probably would never actually go through with suicide though if you cant tell im a bit of a coward. I live for other people since I know my death would lead alot of people to feel bad and I dont wanna go out like that

#32 to #29 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/10/2015) [-]

Not being able to put a blade to your neck, so to speak, is not cowardly.

Cowardice is being shuffled from one place to another by fear, being unable to summon enough strength to face one's fear and identify whether or not it is pragmatic or illusory.

I'm afraid of putting a blade on my palm and drawing it across my hand. That's perfectly ******* rational fear.

#33 to #32 - ZetsuYang (01/10/2015) [-]

Oh im not afraid of death Im more afraid of making all the smiles I made turn to tears

#26 to #23 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/10/2015) [-]

Wow. oo Dude.

You seriously don't know how to deal with this. I mean, I'll lay it out, clear as day, and probably in a ridiculously painful way, so brace yourself. Raise some sort of shield, cause this is gonna suck.

Dude.

You're a ******* doormat.

As much as this woman was ' helpful ' to you ( a dubious claim, I think ) during high school, this is a world outside of that. The more you bank on this woman being the love of your life, the more power you are just ******* throwing at her feet, and she doesn't give a flying **** .

And she never will.

e___e You have emotions. You may shield them, but to straight up ignore them is unhealthy to yourself, and boss...
You're just about all you got. So you can either wait for someone to happen along and repair you, or you can take initiative and seize control of your life. It's your right; it's your ******* life, and you may spend it how you please.

But the path you're on is a slow, painful grind I think. o<

#28 to #26 - ZetsuYang (01/10/2015) [-]

I realized it but my memories haunt me every day and I decided to stop being a door mat earlier today but Ive been the emotional support for some many people for so long I dont even know where to begin

#30 to #28 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/10/2015) [-]

Begin with yourself. I don't think you even know yourself, actually. What do you like? What kind of person are you? What do you enjoy in life? What do you not like?

You've spent so long being emotionally supportive of other people, feeling what they feel and processing their emotions... do you know anything about yourself?

#31 to #30 - ZetsuYang (01/10/2015) [-]

Not really I like... um pokemon I think its a great game and Ive always loved animals, I enjoy tabletop rpgs so im running a game of pathfinder for a bunch of people I work with but it all feels like distractions and not a permanent fix

#34 to #31 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/10/2015) [-]

They might be distractions. But then, what would they be distracting you from? Some sort of pain?

I would wager that it relates to the first thing that you said; you believe people don't give a rat's ass about you. That feeling is raw pain; I've lived through it, and to be treated as worthless is ******* brutal.
So I think Pokemon might be a distraction for you, but running a game like Pathfinder with acquaintances might actually be beneficial to you over time.

People are social creatures, dude. We need friends in order to survive. Need. It's a requirement, damn near. If not, it's still near the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy, so it's really important.

Maybe if you keep hanging out with them and actually put some effort forth into making friends with someone, you might find that they'll reciprocate. If not? Try someone else. There's virtually no limit on who you can be friends with.

#35 to #34 - ZetsuYang (01/10/2015) [-]

i have alot of friend in the town im in just none im close enough to to talk about my emotions with, I have 1 friend who Ive been friends with since 8th grade but we never really have deep emotional talks. He's my best friend and hes cheered me up quite a few times but stuff like this is would just try to use humor to cheer me up or tell me to tell her to **** off, but I cant really do that cause well I'm her best friend and longest standing friend shes told me stuff she hasnt told anyone else and I don't like hurting people

#36 to #35 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/10/2015) [-]

Feelings get hurt. If you place the value of your emotions below hers, you're allowing for an unequal relationship, and that **** can wind up eating you alive from the inside out.

Your feelings, at this point, are basically destroyed. Have some gumption, man. Show some freaking spirit. :3 You're a human, ain't ya? Do you want to live like one, or are you content to lay down and die?

#37 to #36 - ZetsuYang (01/10/2015) [-]

Not so much lay down and die but I've been like this for so long neglecting my own emotions thinking I had to be strong for others. I want to change, I just dont want to hurt those I care for in the process, I hurt people in the past when I went a bit out of control before moving away. Something in my head finally snapped and I did alot of stuff I regret and I dont want to hurt anyone like that again. It took me 8 months to get myself back to not being a horrible manipulator who was happy seeing others suffer and causing it from behind the scenes. It was like a long horrendous nightmare

#38 to #37 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/10/2015) [-]

<< Huh. That... seems pretty much beyond me. I don't think I have any more words that I could spend to bolster you any further.

So. How do you feel, right now?

#39 to #38 - ZetsuYang (01/10/2015) [-]

Alot better then I was feeling for the last few days. It feels like some storm clouds have passed but there's alot left. I hadn't eaten all day until I got that off my chest and it was 6pm my time and I worked. I just didnt feel like doing anything got home went straight to sleep. Now I feel like ive calmed out a bit and the on comming inferno that is my insanity has settled back down as to not take control again

#40 to #39 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/10/2015) [-]

Cool. o_o That inferno is a wild ride that you don't want to take, I'm betting. I'm only making that wager because I've been pressed up against the edge of insanity as well. It isn't a kind experience.

Take some time to rest and piece yourself back together, boss. That's about the best advice that I can think of at the moment... it's what I'm in the middle of doing, even.

So. You have enough strength to carry on, you think?

#41 to #40 - ZetsuYang (01/10/2015) [-]

the only thing im proud of myself for is my ability to stand on my own 2 legs and keep moving forward. So I would say so and as someone who went insane for a while I gotta say don't cross that thresh hold.

#42 to #41 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/10/2015) [-]

^^ I'll try to keep on this side. Glad to hear that you can carry on. But I'm only glad if that's truly how it is.

If you ever get wrecked too hard again, swing by me again. I'll see if I can set you back up in some semblance of working order.

But for the most part, boss, you're going to be on your own. ^^ Take care of what you have, you know?

#43 to #42 - ZetsuYang (01/10/2015) [-]

I will, the last wither remains of my soul Im gonna keep for myself and im gonna work on nurturing it back to health. For the longest time I've wondered why I never can have a meaningful relationship but now I know. No girl wants to be with a guy who is dead inside. So I'll have to fix that and get the light that faded from my eyes years ago to be restored. Thanks for listening

#44 to #43 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/10/2015) [-]

I do the things, boss. :3

#45 to #44 - ZetsuYang (01/10/2015) [-]

well you did the thing that no one has ever done for me

#2 - xxdarkdanxx (01/08/2015) [-]

I've pretty much been holed up for a couple days, alone without anybody and still will be for a few more days. If it wasn't for class I wouldn't even go out. I like to think that I'm the perfect example of the average failure.

#3 to #2 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/08/2015) [-]

Average failure? You're going to class, right? You're in school for something. How the **** is that a failure? And by what measure are you determining success?

#4 to #3 - xxdarkdanxx (01/08/2015) [-]

Well my grades have been going to **** (thanks FJ) and it won't be long till I have to move out. Only reason that I still live with my parents is cause it's so close to the university, so I ain't gotta pay extra for residence. But that will be coming to an end soon.
Not only that but I haven't been able to get a decent job recently, making me practically broke. As for my terms of success, I don't really have any... I don't feel like anything would be a success at this point

#5 to #4 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/08/2015) [-]

Don't thank FJ. Even if it's an easy trap to fall into, you must develop self-control enough to stay away from it if you have other things that must occupy your time.

>> I lived with my parents forever. Couldn't get a decent job until last week.

And... wow. C'mon, boss. It isn't that bad.
I mean. It could be cruel and nearly unbearably bad, but you still have the ability to determine for yourself what goals you would like to make and achieve in your life.
It can be a ridiculously uncomfortable reorientation, but you can point yourself in whatever direction you want, and setting a goal is a major part of that.

You control yourself. You have free will. Enact it. The only thing that will strengthen your willpower is the exercise thereof.

:3 So. Here's the part where I ask you how full of **** you think I am. What's on your mind now, boss?

#6 to #5 - xxdarkdanxx (01/08/2015) [-]

You? Full of **** ? I wouldn't know, I don't know you well enough.

>I have not had a soft, kind life. It hasn't been an unending nightmare
Implying that's true, I'm sure you've been molded into a decent enough of a person, so I doubt that you're much of a spoiled brat. I'm sure that you're going to have a decent life later on. Myself, I'm still stuck between two worlds and I can't tell which I want more. It's probably whats bringing me down.

#7 to #6 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/08/2015) [-]

Being stuck between two worlds without being able to tell the difference?

That sounds like hell, boss. o_o I'm not even kidding. So... look at what you have, I guess. What are you going for? What makes the two paths you are presented with so similar? What makes them different?

#8 to #7 - xxdarkdanxx (01/09/2015) [-]

Well, It's not that I can't tell the difference between them, its just that I can't chose which I can bear taking.
One is to go out and be productive. Do what I gotta do, and finally do what is expected of me. Basically to live my life. The problem is that I don't think I have the mental strength to do it. I can't bring myself to do it.

The other is... to just give up. To stop really caring and to do nothing. I'm pushed towards this more and more as life get harder but I know that I can't because if I reach that point, I'll become worthless, something that shouldn't exist...

#9 to #8 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/09/2015) [-]

Oh. :3 I've seen this monster before.

It's cool, boss. I think, actually, that you might be perceiving this in two dramatically different lights, and creating a false dichotomy out of it.

There are many paths which one may take. You may fall into ' do what I gotta do ' for the most part... but then also **** around at work. You're a person. You're imperfect. << For clarity, let me also exclaim that I'm a person, and that I'm also imperfect.

You do not have to commit, to death, to one path or the other. You can choose, daily, how to interact with the world around you. You could also just give up, and do nothing...
But you wouldn't be doing nothing, still. You won't be staring at a wall, watching paint dry. You will eventually get tired of such low-energy activity, and you will find something to occupy your time.

Right? :3 All there is to it is to have goals to reach and skills to work on.

If you're alive, basically, there's not much you can do to be a failure unless you start nosediving into ******** .

#10 to #9 - xxdarkdanxx (01/09/2015) [-]

....thank you
I feel like that helped more then it should have...

Even if I have no idea who you are or even what you're like, your words are somehow helpful. I feel like you somewhat have experience with this kind of stuff. -sigh-

So, other than that, how have you been?

#11 to #10 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/09/2015) [-]

Ahh, don't worry about it too much, boss. This is what I believe in, and strongly; words are powerful. I devote my life to that idea.

^__^ I've been alright. I've been better, but the last week hasn't been as absolute **** as I've experienced in the past.

I'm dredging along in my training and dutifully digesting the corporate ******** I am subjected to in order to prepare to push a broom for most of the time I'm about to spent in the paper mill I'm at.
I fought tooth and nail for this stupid job. Hopefully I can dig myself out of debt pretty soon, and then I can breathe more easily.

All of that, though, is contingent on me being able to survive working in a manufacturing plant. Never done it before. I wonder what I'm made of.

#12 to #11 - xxdarkdanxx (01/09/2015) [-]

Manufacturing plant? Sounds interesting. Just keep your brain on and keep wits about you and you should get out alive without any accidents. I'm sure you'll be able to get through it.
Since I live in the country, I doubt I'll ever get a job similar to that >.> but I did once work with a contractor for a couple days. Paid well, might go back.

Work hard just enough and you'll probably get what you deserve. And just make sure you don't make any stupid purchases and it won't be too long till you have enough cash.

#13 to #12 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/09/2015) [-]

Hopefully, that's about all there is to it.

And, don't mind it too much... e__e I'm gonna be making toilet paper, man. But, it's a job, and it's a well paying job, and I could probably start making some progress on things if I stick with it for a while.

Contractor work is pretty fun. My dad does it for a living, and I worked under him a few times. I made dimes to his hundreds, but the experience was pretty much the whole of the worth of it.

What are you going to school for, anyway? :3 You never did say.

#14 to #13 - xxdarkdanxx (01/09/2015) [-]

I'm currently taking classes in biology and calculus (>.<) for now.
Hopefully it'll work out, but jesus ******* christ is it eating up my free time, and calculus isn't getting any easier...

FJ and games are really my only escape, occasionally my friends. when they are rarely available

Hopefully when I get out of all this hell I hope to either get a job related to animals. Not really a vet, but more like a zoo if I can. Even better, I'd love to go out and study wildlife in different countries but I think finding such a job would be a rare opportunity I'd have to get lucky to get. Until any of that happens though, I'm stuck here trying to procrastinate for as long as possible for little reason

#15 to #14 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/09/2015) [-]

Oh, **** you, calculus is difficult. I think I escaped that class with a C, and that's cause I didn't study worth a ******* damn.

:3 Escapes can be nice, but you might be channeling your energy in the wrong direction.
If the direction that you want your life to go is into field research, find out how the people before you came to do it. Ask around. Ask reddit. Ask on forums... search online. Call some people.

You have one of the most unique and powerful gifts in existence; you own a voice, boss. Throw it around. Use it. Nothing will ' happen ' until you enact it. :3 Opportunities will not fall into your lap, as apples from trees.

#16 to #15 - xxdarkdanxx (01/09/2015) [-]

This is actually one my problems.

I hope to do these things, but like you said I'd have to take the initiative. I know it's not really hard, but on top of being one lazy ************ , I'm unbelievably shy, and rather socially awkward when it comes to meeting new people.
This, again, is kind of what's been torturing me internally. I'm, at the core, an introvert. I have horrible social skills and I can tell a lot of people don't like me. (don't try and convince me otherwise, it's true) -sigh-

As much as I try, I can't bring myself to dealing with other people.

#17 to #16 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/09/2015) [-]

>> I am, according to the Myers-Briggs personality test, an INTP. I am also an introvert. And I'm not about to talk you out of your analysis that people don't like you.

You know what? They probably don't. But what the **** does that matter?

I was lucky enough to have a friend for a very long time who simply did not give a **** , and I learned from him the divine ability to not give a **** what people think.

If I am capable of reading you well, then I would imagine that you are far ' in tune ' with the feeling of people around you, and able to experience their point of view nearly as coherently as you see things from your own point of view.

There's a problem in this. You have no ' mental callouses ' in order to be able to push against other people and make room for yourself and your own ideas.

^^; I am being a bit flippant towards you, but it's what my friend did for me, and it works. Not everything you say has to be acceptable to everyone. The faster you can raise your defense high enough against other people enough to say ' **** you ' to them, the faster your resolve will develop.

So I think, anyway. ^^; I don't want to throw you to the wolves or anything, and leave you discouraged after one sour attempt. It takes time in order to toughen yourself against the will of others.

I am wondering, though, what you are made of. What do you want out of life, boss? And, further... what will you trade of what you have in order to attain it?

#18 to #17 - xxdarkdanxx (01/09/2015) [-]

That's... where you're starting to hit a bit deep there...

I actually can adopt a "I don't give a **** " attitude, but even if I truly don't give a **** , deep down, no matter how hard I try, the feelings are still there. And they definitely still sting, even if not immediately, they resurface eventually and hit hard.

What I want out of life? I have no ******* idea and all I've been doing is just riding along. Sure I have fun sometimes and it'll probably get better, but no matter how I look at it I just can't see a real reason to endure so much for so little.

#19 to #18 - lathyrusvii [OP](01/09/2015) [-]

^^; Heh. Alright, I'll lay off a bit. I don't mean to speak so directly and uncomfortably.

It's okay, boss. Existence is strange and difficult, and I think you'll figure out how to work it out as long as your keep your mind alive.

You don't have to answer any of the questions I posed to you. At least, I don't need to hear the answers. You'll figure things out, I think. =o

But me? I'm heading straight into incoherence. << I'm drunk. So. See you later, boss. o< Maybe tomorrow. Blargh. Night.