IN COLLEGE MY JOB WAS TO GO AROUND
TO THE DORM BUILDINGS
AND CHANGE LIGHT BULBS
Basically my school _ "
assumed that the .
was incapable of
changing their own
lightbulbs and thus
paid me the princely
sum of . 75/ hour
to bear this burden
in their stead.
All told it was a pretty cool job.
They gave me a staff ID badge that essentially
let me go wherever and do whatever the fuck
I wanted on campus.
THERE WERE SOME PRETTY
AM you can
Eventually the kitchen and cleaning staff gave
me a nickname which filled me with an
It was kind of like if I was on an airplane and
the pilot gave me wings and let me fly the
plane and called me "Cap' n."
BUT IT WASN' T ALL FUN
Part of my job was changing the bulbs in
the dormitory bathrooms.
This meant that I would quite frequently be
working in the ladies room.
It was just awkward in general.
One day there was a report of a light
out in the bathroom of Holland Hall,
I knocked on the door and announced
my presence to make sure nobody was
in there before I got to work.
The light was in the ceiling,
right above one of the
stalls, so in order to
reach it I had to stand
on the toilet bowl.
AS I AM DOING THIS A GIRL
WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM
She had obviously just woken up.
I let her know I was fixing a light and
that I should be out in a minute.
So she goes in the stall right next to mine
and she just lays down the rudest dump
I have ever heard in my entire life
IT WAS INSANE
It was like Ragnarok
or a hydrogen bomb explosion
only louder and more destructive.
Like it probably smelled worse too.
Worse than millions of charred irradiated corpses.
The combination of fear, awe and newfound
respect startled me into dropping my
It rolled underneath the
divider and into the
still very active and
occupied stall next
I' d like to say there was an uncomfortable
silence at this point but my neighbor
showed no sign of relenting her aural assault.
During a brief respite from the bowel barrage
she picked up the screwdriver and reached
under the divider to hand it back to me.
She didn' t say a word.
u.) At Ion last she flushed
the toilet and left the
SHE DID NOT WASH