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Fallen City

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Views: 1961 Submitted: 03/06/2014
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> hey anon, wanna give your opinion?
User avatar #6 - herpderpstrom
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(03/06/2014) [-]
This is what I focus on:

Avoid using the same words (or words that sound similar) several times in only one or two sentences. This includes words such as into and onto. Use "to" instead of "onto", it will give the sentence better flow. The same goes a balanced use of names and pronouns. IMO you used "Seth" a few times too many in that short piece of text. Have a friend read your text out loud to see if there are sentences that are too long or are poorly constructed.

If you can make the text as long as you like you should include copious amounts of details when describing characters and environment. God is in the details. A Song of Ice and Fire and the HP-books are good examples of this. After writing a description of something, ask a friend to read it and tell you how they picture the object/character. This may help you get better at describing things.

These are the main things I can think of right now. I hope to get published some day, but for now I mostly have to focus on scientifically correct texts for college. The language tends to be a bit sterile in those types of works, so I really enjoy reading fiction when I get home in the evenings.

Your writing has potential. If you want to, you can pm me your texts every now and then and I'll give you my thoughts on them. It may help to have a completely objective source.

My authority derives from my mother, who is a Swedish (my native tongue) literature teacher. I grew up reading books and she used to help me with my essays throughout high school. I got full marks for my essay in my matriculation examination[spoiler] It's a national test that Finnish students take after senior high (age 16-19) and the results are highly relevant when applying for university and future jobs. It's a big deal. . There was only one person in my school who had managed that feat before me. That person is my sister[spoiler]
User avatar #5 - ullapool
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(03/06/2014) [-]
I know that beginnings are one of the harder parts to write, but you seem to have managed it. Of course I hope the later paragraphs include describing the world, why is the city being bombed, who is commanding the bombing, who is fighting who etc (unless you want a mystery feel, but even then you need to tell us the basic sides of the conflict). But that can be added in later paragraphs.

Speaking of later paragraphs, I would like some character development, because for all we know, before the bombing Seth and his family could have been serial killers.

In short, 7/11 would bang, but with a condom.
User avatar #2 - hellomynameisbill
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(03/06/2014) [-]
What is stridden
#3 to #2 - ullapool
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User avatar #4 to #2 - hellomynameisbill
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(03/06/2014) [-]
I was asking about the definition of the word, but thanks anyway
User avatar #1 - yonyon
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(03/06/2014) [-]
Looks pretty good, man! Keep up the good work and... practice practice practice practice...