In case anyone wants to know, here is what the newspaper says.
ckson Herald, Oct. 14, 2015
GOD FINALLY ANSWERS PRAYERS
~Justifies Cancer, Disease~
"I never thought of it that way" says sick Jimmey.
*Sick Jimmy has Bone Cancer*
Early Monday morning, millions of people across the globe suddenly began hearing the voice of their creator in their heads.
"People finally hear me yelling at them while they masturbate" God said, attributing the 2000 years of silence to His son always "messin' with (His) phone n' **** "
When asked why He allows so much suffering, God responded, "everytime you masturbate a child gets Bone Cancer thems the rules." When questioned if He'd consider not doing that anymore God stated "I really only care about masturbators."
The U.S. immediately opened an extra ____ drill.
___
Jesus has been on Twitter this whole time
*Mainly retweets Anime fanart*
"I just thought noone liked me" Jesus ___ the fa___
TL;DR
I had too much time on my hands and typed all the newspaper stuff.