Arizona Iced Tea' s Open Letter to Miley
Jim Starch here from Arizona Iced Tea' s marketing department. I wasn' t going to write
you this letter, but today I' received two emails from interns asking me to remark upon
your most recent Terry Richardson photo shoot. So this is what I need to say... And it is
said in the spirit of a dude whose job it is to sell giant aluminum cans of refreshing iced
tea for the low price of 99 cents.
I am extremely concerned that we might not have enough inventory on hand to fill the
massive orders we are getting in the wake of these racy photos. Whoever around you led
you to believe that posing half naked with a can of Arizona Iced Tea is h any way ‘cool’ is
spot on. Thedrcool barometer, in this humble marketing guy' s opinion, could not be much
cooler. Heck, I' d go so far as to say their is set to. "icedog
Nothing but sales will come in the long run from you holding one of our cans of delicious
Arizona Iced Tea like a big, hard cock and it is absolutely NOT in ANY way costing us
anything for this advertising. Thank you for taking a picture with the label out so people
can see that 99 cents for a tall can of iced tea is a great value (even for you) and then also
the thing where you hold it like a thick boner and stick your tongue out Just fantastic
stuff all around.
source) it Ismael
lam happy to hear you enjoy our iced tea and hope you pay close attention to what I am
The iced tea business is out of touch with kids these days. Up until these pictures more
out, our most innovative marketing strategy was to capitalize the letter 'f and lock the
price in at 99 cents. We just don' t give a shit about you, or anyone under the age of 45.
Have you been to Arizona? It' s mostly people over the age of is
We' re not kidding ourselves. We know none of the creepy perverts oggling your pictures
give a shit about Milena Iced Tea. Many' s the man off for stock
dividends. If he from Palm Beach wants to print out a picture of you holding a can of
Arizona Iced Tea like a penis and masturbate onto it (as thousands with access to a
working printer no doubt already have) that doesn' t mean Joe gives a fuck about our
beverage. But one day, maybe tomorrow or maybe the day after tomorrow, he will walk
into a gas station with five quarters in his pocket and leave with a cold can of Arizona Iced
Tes. I' m suggesting you are helping us sell iced tea. I don' t encourage my daughters to
walk around naked posing with cans of iced tea, but that' s only because they' re not
famous and, like the distressing majority of their middle school peers, not that hot.
Thanks to you, our cans are worth more than 99 cents. It used to be you just got a
refreshing drink when you purchased a can of Arizona Iced Tea. Now, you also get a fond
memory of that time Miley tyros posed in a red thing were you could
almost see her vagina lips, or whatever. Don' t be under any illusions.. All our cans of iced
tea will still be sold at the affordable and clearly printed price of 99 cents.. but it' s cool
that drinking one might make some dudes want to masturbate for confusing and hard to
pin down reasons.
I repeat; all our cans of delicious Minna Iced Tea will still be available for the low price of
99 cents. Some stores might try to sell it for more, but you shouldn' t let them make a fool
of you. Don' t think for a moment that the guy behind the counter at your local
convenience store has the authority to charge more than 99 cents for a can of our
refreshing iced tea. He' s just there for the money.. we' re there for the money also, but we
only want 99 cents. It has always been that way and it will always be that way. The
sooner people realize that. the sooner they can REALLY buy some cans of iced tea.
You also can see your nipples in some of the Terry Richardson photos. Very cool. I am
happy you made that choice, because now that I am almost 47 years old I like to
masturbate to people closer in age to my daughters than my wife. The heart wants what
the heart wants. Unfortunately for me, that means frequently clearing the browser
history on the family computer in the living room that we all use. I hold my breath every
time my wife Carol goes to show me a video on Youtube. All my dads out there using the
communal family computer to masturbate know what' s up with that last sentence.
Real empowerment of a beverage doesn' t come from printing the affordable price right
on the can or even from delivering a consistently excellent product for decades. It comes
from having one of the most famous young stars on the planet pose holding
your can I' been in this business long enough to know we are making more money after
these almost nude photos surfaced. It' s really so cool. And it' s sending a great message to
other young women. Please pose half naked with our iced tea! We would love nothing
more than for this to become some kind of thing like that "iced" fad that gave Smirnoff a
in bump in 2010. Maybe we call it Getting Zon' d? Getting Iced LO? I' ll leave it to smarter
people to come up with the name, but you get the idea. And with the raise I' m getting for
this More phenomenon I hope to be able to buy my mistress diamonds.
As for the shedding of our cent price.. whoever is telling you we are ever going to do
that is absolutely NOT accurate. Our tea is talented enough that we could charge twice
that, but we don' t because our market research shows us even our most loyal fans would
be pissed by that move and probably switch to a cheaper copycat drink.
Whether we like it or not and we definitely do like it, your photos have launched us to the
next level in the canned drink game. It' s so cool, Miley. It' s dangerously cool. I am
encouraging you to send a message to your peers that they should all pose in red thong
Leotard things with cans of Arizona Iced Tea, then post pictures on social media sites with
reckless disregard for their futures. And if anyone horn my company leads you to believe
otherwise, I will kindly fire that motherfucker because they don' t care about Ariana Iced